Birthday Simulator 2

Hello and welcome to Birthday Simulator 2. In this game, you simulate some birthdays. I would like to Warn you about some of the Content that appears in this game: Overt Sexual Themes and Content Strange and Unusual Deaths and Depictions of Death Descriptions of both Describable and Indescribable Violence Drug and Alcohol use Cannibalism Gross Quantities of Food Purging If you would like to play the game, click [[here|Birthday Select Screen]] If you would like some hints, click [[here|Hints]] If you would not like to play or want to skip to the credits, click [[here|Epilogue]]

Wow! Today is your birthday again! Same time every year. New year new birthday. Last year was a big one, so many things became possible for you This year is kinda like, eh, cool I guess, but that doesn't mean your birthday party has to be, right?????? How old are you again this year? [[17]] [[19]] [[22]]

In this twine game you will be presented with [[choices]]

Wow! 17! just like that Zefron movie where he's 17, but not for the first time. Great film. How are you going to celebrate your 17th birthday this year? [[Throw a wild house party]] [[Sleepover with your close friends]]

Cool! So you're 19, that means you can do... all the same things from when you were 18. Yeah, that's pretty much it. Oh wait, I forgot, you're in college now! Congratulations! You currently attend Nerd State University, one of the most prestigious schools in your area. What do you want to do with your nerd friends to celebrate your 19th birthday? [[Study]] [[Play a tabletop roleplaying game!]]

22! Just like that Fast Taylor song. What a year. I mean, nothing really cool happens, you're just another year closer to 30 I guess. But that doesn't mean you can't make it special! Why don't you throw a dinner party for your friends at your apartment? [[I mean, sure I guess]]

Woah, aren't you a little young to be throwing a wild house party? I know your parents are out of out of town celebrating their anniversary this weekend in Belize, but I have a feeling that something bad will happen. Are you sure this is what you want? [[Hell yeah, you're only 17 once]]

You call up your friends and unanimously they all say: "Aren't we a little old for sleepovers? Like, I know it's your birthday and you can do what you want, but this sounds like a total divebomb to anyone's social status that participates." "Ok fine, I guess I'll do something else." You decide to do something else, unless you really don't want to have anyone over for your birthday. I suppose that's an option as well. [[Throw a wild house party]] [[Do nothing]]

Alright, suit yourself. You call up Mikey and Teresa and tell them to tell everyone they know that tonight, at your house, will be the WILDEST most BARBARIC party known to anyone alive. At first they don't believe you: "//You?// Throwing a //party?// I don't believe it," they both said on two different phone calls. "Oh, well you better believe it," you replied, both times. And that was all the convincing that it took. Mikey called Jason who had a really good fake and told him to pick up a 30 rack of PGR (Pabst Green Ribbon, a secret beer coveted for its vile putrescence). Jason got 2 for good measure. Teresa called Becky and told her to bring Dave who was part of the local drug cartel and also an excellent baker and he got to work making a very strong birthday cake. And in the next 30 minutes, everyone in your highschool who was part of any social circle knew about your party and was probably going to come. What do you do to prepare? [[Buy Red Solo Cups]] [[Meticulously photograph every inch of your house]]

Great idea! It's not a wild party without Red Solo Cups. You head to the store in your small blue car that you use to be on time with for most things and is otherwise very unimpressive and you buy 10 Red Solo Cups. //That should be enough, right?// you think to yourself. (Author's note, 10 Red Solo Cups is not enough for a party of this scale. It's honestly not enough for anything). At the checkout line, the only cashier, Bartleby, is taking a long time, as usual, since he likes to practice his stand-up routine on the customers, and living in a very polite American town with many middle-aged women, they of course listen to his 3-minutes on paper towel dispensers that's he's been telling for the past 6 months. The self-checkout lanes have been out of order for months (thanks to Bartleby) so you resign yourself to waiting in line. When you finally arrive with your 10 Red Solo Cups, Bartleby starts to make a remark, but upon seeing your impatient glare, decides against it. He does cough loudly and ask you about the weather, even though the weather outside has never once deviated from the government mandated 50 Degrees Sheldon (named after Supreme President Markus Seymore Sheldon, in 2166) since before its implementation in the mid 70s. You see him mouth the words, "What's up with that?" but no sound came out. There is a pained look in his eyes when he rings up the total. "That'll be $1.69, sir." You hand him two dollars and tell him to keep the change just to avoid standing in his presence for any longer than you have to. [[Go back home]]

You only have so much time so you decide the best course of action before throwing a wild party is to photograph everything so you'll be able to put the house back together afterwards. How very thoughtful of you. You decide to go top to bottom and you start on the second floor. You take pictures of your bedroom, the guest room, the rumpus room, and billiards room, and the library, taking special care to photograph each pocket in the pool table and every shelf of the bookcases. On the ground floor you take pictures of the dining room, the living room, the kitchen, the garage, the study, the master bedroom, and your parents' closet. Curiously, on your way out of the closet, your foot catches on a brass door knocker bolted to the floor in the jade, shag carpet. Funny for your parents to leave that there. //Wait a minute// you think to yourself, //Do we have a basement?// You grab the brass door knocker on the floor and give it a tug, it lifts up a trapdoor. Since you're taking pictures of the whole house anyways, it would be foolish to skip out on the newly discovered basement, but it would also be a grave mistake to find something in there that you didn't want to find. What do you do? [[Explore the Basement]] [[Pretend you never found it]]

You head back home and finish up the preparations for the party: You place 5 red solo cups on each end of the exquisite mahogany dining room table in rows of 3 2 1, in the classic beer pong pyramid style. Or rather, you would do this but you realize that with 10 cups you can only put 5 cups on each side, leaving you with unfinished pyramids. Oh well. Then you move the dining room table centerpiece of crystal gardenias in a blue and white porcelain vase to the living room table, which really clashes with the wrought iron candlesticks on the mantle, but interior decorating was never really your strong suit. With the beer pong table set up and ready to go, you look at the clock; it's 5:30. There's still time to pick out some music! You head to your parents' walk-in closet to raid your dad's private record collection, which is just a milk crate full of records that he recently purchased, but you still aren't allowed to touch or, God forbid, play them. You flip through bands you've never heard of before until you find a record sleeve with a watercolor of a dude's screaming face on it. Intrigued, you take it out of the milk crate and see that it's some King Crimson album or something. //Anything with a screaming face on the cover is probably good for a party, right?// you think to yourself. This time, you are, in fact, correct. King Crimson's //In the Court of the Crimson King// is a pretty solid album for parties. However, this record in particular is a first-issue original pressing, signed and quality checked by Robert Fripp himself. This is the most expensive record your father owns. If only you knew that. Satisfied, you turn to leave your parents' walk-in closet but your foot catches on something. You look down and there's a brass door knocker bolted to the floor, hidden in the thick hairs of the jade shag carpet. //A little weird for them to just leave that on the floor,// you think as you leave the closet. In the living room you remove the record from the sleeve and put it on the turntable. You lower the arm with the needle directly onto where the first groove starts, but without spinning the record first, which is poor etiquette for record health. Of course, you would never know this since your dad doesn't let you play any of his records. You close the plastic cover of the record player in anticipation for guests to arrive. Just as you sit down on a velvet beanbag chair in the living room, the doorbell rings. Who's at the door? [[Mikey and Jason|Beer]] [[Teresa, Becky, and Dave|Cake]]

You open the door to see Mikey and Jason, each holding two 30 racks of PGR (Mikey thought 120 beers would be enough). They're wearing backwards snapbacks and tanktops that read "Life's a beach, so let's Party!" and "This shirt looks better on the ground," respectively. You're shocked that there's this amount of beer at your house. Perhaps you didn't purchase enough Red Solo Cups. Mikey and Jason walk in and greet you with "happy birthday, bro!" and begin setting up the beers in the kitchen. Jason comments on your beer pong table and says it's "a little classy, but perfect." Just then you hear a great sound outside of your house. You head to the door and what you see surprises you. In front of your door there is no yard and no street, instead, it is the Aegean Sea and outside are ships and men uncountable. As for the common partiers, they are so many that I could not name every single one of them though I had ten tongues. Nevertheless, I will tell the captains of the party ships and all the fleet together. Peneleos, Leitus, Arcesilaus, Prothoenor, and Clonius were captains of the Boeotians. These were they that dwelt in Hyria and rocky Aulis, and who held Schoenus, Scolus, and the highlands of Eteonus, with Thespeia, Graia, and the fair city of Mycalessus. They also held Harma, Eilesium, and Erythrae; and they had Eleon, Hyle, and Peteon; Ocalea and the strong fortress of Medeon; Copae, Eutresis, and Thisbe the haunt of doves; Coronea, and the pastures of Haliartus; Plataea and Glisas; the fortress of Thebes the less; holy Onchestus with its famous grove of Neptune; Arne rich in vineyards; Midea, sacred Nisa, and Anthedon upon the sea. From these there came fifty ships, and in each there were a hundred and twenty young men of the Boeotians. Ascalaphus and Ialmenus, sons of Mars, led the people that dwelt in Aspledon and Orchomenus the realm of Minyas. Astyoche a noble maiden bore them in the house of Actor son of Azeus; for she had gone with Mars secretly into an upper chamber, and he had lain with her. With these there came thirty ships. The Phoceans were led by Schedius and Epistrophus, sons of mighty Iphitus the son of Naubolus. These were they that held Cyparissus, rocky Pytho, holy Crisa, Daulis, and Panopeus; they also that dwelt in Anemorea and Hyampolis, and about the waters of the river Cephissus, and Lilaea by the springs of the Cephissus; with their chieftains came forty ships, and they marshalled the forces of the Phoceans, which were stationed next to the Boeotians, on their left. Ajax, the fleet son of Oileus, commanded the Locrians. He was not so great, nor nearly so great, as Ajax the son of Telamon. He was a little man, and his breastplate was made of linen, but in use of the spear he excelled all the Hellenes and the Achaeans. These dwelt in Cynus, Opous, Calliarus, Bessa, Scarphe, fair Augeae, Tarphe, and Thronium about the river Boagrius. With him there came forty ships of the Locrians who dwell beyond Euboea. The fierce Abantes held Euboea with its cities, Chalcis, Eretria, Histiaea rich in vines, Cerinthus upon the sea, and the rock-perched town of Dium; with them were also the men of Carystus and Styra; Elephenor of the race of Mars was in command of these; he was son of Chalcodon, and chief over all the Abantes. With him they came, fleet of foot and wearing their hair long behind, brave warriors, who would ever strive to tear open the corslets of their foes with their long ashen spears. Of these there came fifty ships. And they that held the strong city of Athens, the people of great Erechtheus, who was born of the soil itself, but Jove's daughter, Minerva, fostered him, and established him at Athens in her own rich sanctuary. There, year by year, the Athenian youths worship him with sacrifices of bulls and rams. These were commanded by Menestheus, son of Peteos. No man living could equal him in the marshalling of chariots and foot soldiers. Nestor could alone rival him, for he was older. With him there came fifty ships. Ajax brought twelve ships from Salamis, and stationed them alongside those of the Athenians. The men of Argos, again, and those who held the walls of Tiryns, with Hermione, and Asine upon the gulf; Troezene, Eionae, and the vineyard lands of Epidaurus; the Achaean youths, moreover, who came from Aegina and Mases; these were led by Diomed of the loud battle-cry, and Sthenelus son of famed Capaneus. With them in command was Euryalus, son of king Mecisteus, son of Talaus; but Diomed was chief over them all. With these there came eighty ships. Those who held the strong city of Mycenae, rich Corinth and Cleonae; Orneae, Araethyrea, and Licyon, where Adrastus reigned of old; Hyperesia, high Gonoessa, and Pellene; Aegium and all the coast-land round about Helice; these sent a hundred ships under the command of King Agamemnon, son of Atreus. His force was far both finest and most numerous, and in their midst was the king himself, all glorious in his armour of gleaming bronze- foremost among the heroes, for he was the greatest king, and had most men under him. And those that dwelt in Lacedaemon, lying low among the hills, Pharis, Sparta, with Messe the haunt of doves; Bryseae, Augeae, Amyclae, and Helos upon the sea; Laas, moreover, and Oetylus; these were led by Menelaus of the loud battle-cry, brother to Agamemnon, and of them there were sixty ships, drawn up apart from the others. Among them went Menelaus himself, strong in zeal, urging his men to fight; for he longed to avenge the toil and sorrow that he had suffered for the sake of Helen. The men of Pylos and Arene, and Thryum where is the ford of the river Alpheus; strong Aipy, Cyparisseis, and Amphigenea; Pteleum, Helos, and Dorium, where the Muses met Thamyris, and stilled his minstrelsy for ever. He was returning from Oechalia, where Eurytus lived and reigned, and boasted that he would surpass even the Muses, daughters of aegis-bearing Jove, if they should sing against him; whereon they were angry, and maimed him. They robbed him of his divine power of song, and thenceforth he could strike the lyre no more. These were commanded by Nestor, knight of Gerene, and with him there came ninety ships. And those that held Arcadia, under the high mountain of Cyllene, near the tomb of Aepytus, where the people fight hand to hand; the men of Pheneus also, and Orchomenus rich in flocks; of Rhipae, Stratie, and bleak Enispe; of Tegea and fair Mantinea; of Stymphelus and Parrhasia; of these King Agapenor son of Ancaeus was commander, and they had sixty ships. Many Arcadians, good soldiers, came in each one of them, but Agamemnon found them the ships in which to cross the sea, for they were not a people that occupied their business upon the waters. The men, moreover, of Buprasium and of Elis, so much of it as is enclosed between Hyrmine, Myrsinus upon the sea-shore, the rock Olene and Alesium. These had four leaders, and each of them had ten ships, with many Epeans on board. Their captains were Amphimachus and Thalpius- the one, son of Cteatus, and the other, of Eurytus- both of the race of Actor. The two others were Diores, son of Amarynces, and Polyxenus, son of King Agasthenes, son of Augeas. And those of Dulichium with the sacred Echinean islands, who dwelt beyond the sea off Elis; these were led by Meges, peer of Mars, and the son of valiant Phyleus, dear to Jove, who quarrelled with his father, and went to settle in Dulichium. With him there came forty ships. Ulysses led the brave Cephallenians, who held Ithaca, Neritum with its forests, Crocylea, rugged Aegilips, Samos and Zacynthus, with the mainland also that was over against the islands. These were led by Ulysses, peer of Jove in counsel, and with him there came twelve ships. Thoas, son of Andraemon, commanded the Aetolians, who dwelt in Pleuron, Olenus, Pylene, Chalcis by the sea, and rocky Calydon, for the great king Oeneus had now no sons living, and was himself dead, as was also golden-haired Meleager, who had been set over the Aetolians to be their king. And with Thoas there came forty ships. The famous spearsman Idomeneus led the Cretans, who held Cnossus, and the well-walled city of Gortys; Lyctus also, Miletus and Lycastus that lies upon the chalk; the populous towns of Phaestus and Rhytium, with the other peoples that dwelt in the hundred cities of Crete. All these were led by Idomeneus, and by Meriones, peer of murderous Mars. And with these there came eighty ships. Tlepolemus, son of Hercules, a man both brave and large of stature, brought nine ships of lordly warriors from Rhodes. These dwelt in Rhodes which is divided among the three cities of Lindus, Ielysus, and Cameirus, that lies upon the chalk. These were commanded by Tlepolemus, son of Hercules by Astyochea, whom he had carried off from Ephyra, on the river Selleis, after sacking many cities of valiant warriors. When Tlepolemus grew up, he killed his father's uncle Licymnius, who had been a famous warrior in his time, but was then grown old. On this he built himself a fleet, gathered a great following, and fled beyond the sea, for he was menaced by the other sons and grandsons of Hercules. After a voyage. during which he suffered great hardship, he came to Rhodes, where the people divided into three communities, according to their tribes, and were dearly loved by Jove, the lord, of gods and men; wherefore the son of Saturn showered down great riches upon them. And Nireus brought three ships from Syme- Nireus, who was the handsomest man that came up under Ilius of all the Danaans after the son of Peleus- but he was a man of no substance, and had but a small following. And those that held Nisyrus, Crapathus, and Casus, with Cos, the city of Eurypylus, and the Calydnian islands, these were commanded by Pheidippus and Antiphus, two sons of King Thessalus the son of Hercules. And with them there came thirty ships. Those again who held Pelasgic Argos, Alos, Alope, and Trachis; and those of Phthia and Hellas the land of fair women, who were called Myrmidons, Hellenes, and Achaeans; these had fifty ships, over which Achilles was in command. But they now took no part in the war, inasmuch as there was no one to marshal them; for Achilles stayed by his ships, furious about the loss of the girl Briseis, whom he had taken from Lyrnessus at his own great peril, when he had sacked Lyrnessus and Thebe, and had overthrown Mynes and Epistrophus, sons of king Evenor, son of Selepus. For her sake Achilles was still grieving, but ere long he was again to join them. And those that held Phylace and the flowery meadows of Pyrasus, sanctuary of Ceres; Iton, the mother of sheep; Antrum upon the sea, and Pteleum that lies upon the grass lands. Of these brave Protesilaus had been captain while he was yet alive, but he was now lying under the earth. He had left a wife behind him in Phylace to tear her cheeks in sorrow, and his house was only half finished, for he was slain by a Dardanian warrior while leaping foremost of the Achaeans upon the soil of Troy. Still, though his people mourned their chieftain, they were not without a leader, for Podarces, of the race of Mars, marshalled them; he was son of Iphiclus, rich in sheep, who was the son of Phylacus, and he was own brother to Protesilaus, only younger, Protesilaus being at once the elder and the more valiant. So the people were not without a leader, though they mourned him whom they had lost. With him there came forty ships. And those that held Pherae by the Boebean lake, with Boebe, Glaphyrae, and the populous city of Iolcus, these with their eleven ships were led by Eumelus, son of Admetus, whom Alcestis bore to him, loveliest of the daughters of Pelias. And those that held Methone and Thaumacia, with Meliboea and rugged Olizon, these were led by the skillful archer Philoctetes, and they had seven ships, each with fifty oarsmen all of them good archers; but Philoctetes was lying in great pain in the Island of Lemnos, where the sons of the Achaeans left him, for he had been bitten by a poisonous water snake. There he lay sick and sorry, and full soon did the Argives come to miss him. But his people, though they felt his loss were not leaderless, for Medon, the bastard son of Oileus by Rhene, set them in array. Those, again, of Tricca and the stony region of Ithome, and they that held Oechalia, the city of Oechalian Eurytus, these were commanded by the two sons of Aesculapius, skilled in the art of healing, Podalirius and Machaon. And with them there came thirty ships. The men, moreover, of Ormenius, and by the fountain of Hypereia, with those that held Asterius, and the white crests of Titanus, these were led by Eurypylus, the son of Euaemon, and with them there came forty ships. Those that held Argissa and Gyrtone, Orthe, Elone, and the white city of Oloosson, of these brave Polypoetes was leader. He was son of Pirithous, who was son of Jove himself, for Hippodameia bore him to Pirithous on the day when he took his revenge on the shaggy mountain savages and drove them from Mt. Pelion to the Aithices. But Polypoetes was not sole in command, for with him was Leonteus, of the race of Mars, who was son of Coronus, the son of Caeneus. And with these there came forty ships. Guneus brought two and twenty ships from Cyphus, and he was followed by the Enienes and the valiant Peraebi, who dwelt about wintry Dodona, and held the lands round the lovely river Titaresius, which sends its waters into the Peneus. They do not mingle with the silver eddies of the Peneus, but flow on the top of them like oil; for the Titaresius is a branch of dread Orcus and of the river Styx. Of the Magnetes, Prothous son of Tenthredon was commander. They were they that dwelt about the river Peneus and Mt. Pelion. Prothous, fleet of foot, was their leader, and with him there came forty ships. Suffice it to say, the entire Achaean army is at your doorstep and they are ready to party. You forgot that Jason was Greek and had a lot of friends. You're now more than certain that you didn't buy enough Red Solo Cups. What do you do? [[Turn them away]] [[Something Clever]]

Teresa, Becky, and Dave arrive at your door and you welcome them inside. You're honestly surprised that they're even hanging out with you. Dave is carrying an enormous cake. "Really? 10 solo cups for beer pong?" says Teresa. "Yeah, that's like, so Freshman year," says Becky. "I thought you said this was going to be a //good// party?" added Dave. "At least tell us that you photographed everything so we can put your house back together before your parents get home." Your blank stare is a dead giveaway that the party you prepared for and the party that Teresa, Becky, and Dave were expecting are two very different parties. Disappointed, they leave and take the cake. Moments later, guess who arrives next? [[Mikey and Jason? |Beer]]

You stare out at the Achaean army slowly approaching your house and suddenly you realize that maybe throwing a wild party for your 17th birthday was probably not the best idea. You also notice that it has started to rain, and the wind has picked up considerably. This does not bode well. "Hey guys," you shout into the wind, "I think there was a bit of a misunderstanding here. This was just supposed to be a small social gathering. I think you should just go back home." There's a long pause while the men on the ships converse with each other. "WHAT?" say the ships "I said," you take a large breath and really try to project your voice; "THIS IS JUST A SMALL LITTLE BIRTHDAY PARTY AND WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH ROOM! I THINK YOU SHOULD GO HOME!" The wind and rain are really picking up and there's thunder in the distance. They send a rowboat out to your doorstep with two men aboard, one rowing and one not. The man not rowing is Achilles, in the flesh, enormous, clad in armor. He is so huge. You have never seen a man so large and so muscular. He steps out of the rowboat and towers over you. "Greetings, friend," he salutes you. "We've come here to party, and the wind must be playing tricks on your words because it sounds like you are rescinding your invitation and asking us to sail back to where we came from." "Achilles! No, never! What I was trying to say was 'Please, bold warriors of Achaea, make yourselves merry on this celebration of my birth! My hearth is yours this night'" At this Achilles raised up his shield and the ships let out a joyous roar. This was hopefully a good sign. "Thank you for your hospitality, we will join you as soon as we dock." Achilles and the rower went back to the Achaean Fleet. You're sweating like a dog (except dogs only sweat by panting because they don't have the same elaborate temperature regulating sweat glands as humans, and you weren't sticking your tongue out to cool down, you were just really sweaty) and you run back inside, leaving the door open for the Achaean party brigade. "Jason! Jason!" you shout through your house. You find him drinking a PGR with Mikey. "The Achaean army is here!" "Oh sweet, I was hoping they'd come. They're great at parties." "No, you don't understand! My parents will kill me if they find out!" "And Achilles will kill you if you refuse," said Mikey. "Look," he said taking your shoulder in a surprisingly comfortable way. "You only turn 17 once. So what if your parents get mad? I promise that we'll have such a good time tonight that even if your parents //did// kill you, it would be worth it. Just relax and enjoy it." You take in Mikey's words. The Achaean army is drawing near. What do you do? [[Relax and enjoy the party]] [[Fight the Achaean Army]]

You're really not good on thinking on your feet and you've never been particularly clever, but you muster up all of the brain power you've got and an idea begins to congeal and emerge from the slimy protoplasm of your TV-rotted mind. //I've got nothing// you think. //Maybe I should just ask them to leave// [[Turn them away]]

You let out a big sigh and say, "What's the worst that could happen?" You walk over to the record player and turn it on. The needle drags on the record uncomfortably and then music begins to play loudly. As if on cue, the Achaeans pour into your home, all 1,186 ships had docked outside. With roughly 120 men per ship, 142,320 men is enough to populate a medium sized city. You've never seen so many muscular men up close at the same time before. And they come bearing gifts! Each foot-soldier brings with him either a barrel of wine, a keg of olive oil, an ornate shortsword, a battered shield, a goat, or a wreath. The captains of Achaea each arrives with their own unique gift, just for you. Peneleos, Leitus, Arcesilaus, Prothoenor, and Clonius, the captains of the Boeotians, each give you a 3:1 scale bronze statue of their image. The detail is staggering. Ascalaphus and Ialmenus, sons of Mars, bestow upon you two stallions, each sleek and well-groomed, and a rich roan color. Schedius and Epistrophus, sons of mighty Iphitus the son of Naubolus, gift you fine silver rings and bracelets An olive tree is given to you by Ajax, the fleet son of Oileus, not as large or impressive as the Great Ajax. The fierce Abantes performs an elaborate dance that is hard to follow but ultimately somewhat impressive. Menestheus, son of Peteos, arrives with 10,000 Red Solo Cups, with which he says, "This is but a humble gift that I know will not suffice, but it was all I had time to get." Ajax, the Great Ajax, washes your feet in rich, scented oils. His hands are surprisingly gentle. Diomed of the loud battle-cry, and Sthenelus son of famed Capaneus, give you a coffee-table book for astrology and world maps, respectively. A large canopic jar is the gift of Euryalus, son of king Mecisteus, son of Talaus. Its contents are unknown. Diomed, the great commander, gives you a gift certificate for Claire's for half-off earrings and ear-piercing combo. King Agamemnon, son of Atreus, gives you land suitable for farming, yours for the taking if you choose to return with them to Achaea. Menelaus of the loud battle-cry, brother to Agamemnon, gives you a rare wine that smells fouler than anything of this world. Nestor, knight of Gerene, performs a folk ballad. His voice is warbly and yet sweet. King Agapenor son of Ancaeus gives you a copy of Super Smash Bros Melee for the Nintendo GameCube. Amphimachus and Thalpius, Diores, son of Amarynces, and Polyxenus, son of King Agasthenes, each give you a single fig, and wink at you. Meges, peer of Mars, hands you a jar of what he claims to be "the blood of his enemies." It's actually cherry soda. Ulysses, leader of the brave Cephallenians, gives you a magic conch shell that will grant you a wish. A bolt of Zeus's lightning is the gift of Thoas, son of Andraemon. The famous spearsman Idomeneus, pledges his spear to you, "After this whole affair with the Trojans is over." Meriones, peer of murderous Mars, gives you his instructional DVD series on warfare and battle. Tlepolemus, son of Hercules, gives you the cloak his father made of Nemean lion pelt. And Nireus, a man of no substance and with but a small following, teaches you an intricate handshake, as an act of friendship. The other Greeks are not amused. Pheidippus and Antiphus, two sons of King Thessalus the son of Hercules, do a comic routine involving tumbling and hitting each other with wooden swords. Achilles, the invincible Achilles, gives you a map, old and worn, that would lead you to the River Styx. The instructions are in Greek. Podarces, of the race of Mars, confused about the nature of birthday parties, gives you a clipping of today's date-square from a calendar from what could only be this current month. Achilles smiles at this. Eumelus, son of Admetus, gives you a Eurhythmics vinyl, //Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)//, and says that it's his favorite. The skillful archer Philoctetes had been bitten by a poisonous water snake and was unable to attend, but Medon, the bastard son of Oileus by Rhene, arrives with Philoctetes' gift; his prized bow! The draw-weight is too much for a scrawny weakling such as yourself to muster, but its craftsmanship is very impressive. The two sons of Aesculapius, skilled in the art of healing, Podalirius and Machaon, give you an extensive first aid kit and defibrilator, respectively. Eurypylus, the son of Euaemon, offers you a tube of special eucalyptus ointment that helps smooth your skin. Brave Polypoetes gives you a toad, that if eaten when prepared correctly, will turn you into an egg and you will have to slowly hatch yourself and it will make you reborn. Guneus gives you a colt .22 revolver. Enienes and the valiant Peraebi, shower you with perfumes. And lastly, but not leastly, Prothous son of Tenthredon, performs a stunning card trick and everyone applauds. No one is sure how he did it. //What a swell party this is turning out to be!// you think to yourself. And you know what? It is a really swell party! What could possibly go wrong? [[The Trojans Arrive, Uninvited]] [[Your Parents Come Home Early]]

For some reason, you decide that this is too much and the best course of action is to fight against one of the greatest military forces of all time. I really have no idea why this is what you want to do, but you know what, it's your life, so go for it. You take your family's ancient, ornate battleaxe off the wall above the fireplace and charge out the front door, wielding the axe high above your head and shouting what you think is a battlecry but is really just the sound of someone letting the air out of their tires. The Achaeans, thoroughly confused, all laugh at what they presume to be a humorous birthday joke. The sound of 144,000 men laughing is deafening, this is perhaps the funniest thing they have ever seen. You stop your charge. "Guys!" you say, "I'm fighting you, you're not supposed to laugh!" Achilles takes the battleaxe out of your hands like it's a toy and throws it a quarter mile. A strange sense of despair overtakes you and your vision blurs as your heart struggles to beat. The laughter is now unbearable. Your mouth gasps for air but nothing comes. You collapse. You see a dark shadow looming over you. It smiles. //Is this death?// you ask yourself. And that is the last thing you ever thought. [[Game Over: You Died of Embarrassment Ending |Bad Ending]]

Without ceremony or warning, your parents kick open the front door, about to shout, "Surprise," when in fact they are the ones that are absolutely gobsmacked at the state of the house. They stand there mouths agape as they survey the damage, lucky for you Argive parties take forever to get into full-swing so the mess isn't too bad, all things considered, but 100,000+ Achaean warriors incurs a certain amount of inherent mess. Slowly the look of shocked confusion turns into rage on your parents' faces. They let fall the presents they had brought for your birthday. "We came back early from our anniversary for //this//?" your mother shouts. "Wait, mom, dad, I can explain!" "Is that my King Crimson record?" It's too late now, there's no explaining this. "Go to your room!" your mother commands. You obey. Your father is inspecting the damage done to his vinyl. "Everybody else, out!" "Excuse me," Achilles objects, "I believe this is the celebration of your spawn's birth, who are you to ruin everything?" Your mother grabs Achilles by the ear and drags him out of the house, throwing him into what's left of the lawn. "Anyone else have any objections?" The Achaeans all shake their heads and vamoose out of the house as fast as possible. Everything is surprisingly clean once the Argive men have left, perhaps it was only the presence of 100,000 soldiers that caused the illusion of mess. "Harold, are we the bad guys?" "No, Veronica, we did the right thing." You're grounded for life, sorry, but that's the show biz baby. [[Game Over: Angry Parents Ending|Bad Ending]]

Shortly after you receive the last gift, the doorbell rings. "I'll get it," you say, getting up from your seat and carefully navigating your way around the presents. You open the door, and as if on cue, Little Ajax knocks over the record player and the record scratch resounds through the whole house. Standing in the doorway is none other than Hector, his exceedingly hot and cowardly brother Paris, and the Trojan army. Needless to say, this kills the vibe of the party. "Happy birthday!" says Hector. Achilles and Agamemnon walk up to you as you stand awkwardly in the doorway, staring at Hector's armor and Paris's stupidly perfect face. Achilles looks at the Trojan army, and then at you, and then back at the Trojans, and then says, "Did you really invite //them?//" "Is there a problem, Achilles?" Hector asks. "A problem? Yes, I think there is a problem here. My men and I were enjoying this polite, birthday celebration for our dear host when suddenly the entire Trojan army arrives, so for the Argives this certainly is a problem, //Hector//. Were you even invited?" "Achilles, I'm hurt," says Hector. "Don't you think we could put aside our differences for just one birthday party? We've been fighting for so long. My men are so tired. Can't we all just get along and stop this war, just for one night?" "You dare speak to me of tiredness?" Achilles roars. "The Achaeans have been throwing themselves at the walls of Troy for gods know how long while you and your men stay cooped up inside, safe and sound. And //you!//" Achilles takes a giant step towards Paris who cowers handsomely, "You won't even dare to make an appearance on the highest rampart of the city!" "It's true, my brother is a tremendous coward, and he is also very beautiful, and is the main reason that we're fighting this war, and also is not particularly bright besides avoiding conflict, but Paris and I and the rest of the Trojans want to join this celebration of the anniversary of birth." Achilles looks at you and says, "I am not the host, but I have made my wishes clear. What say you?" [[Start a War]] [[Find a peaceful solution]]

You carefully examine the scene. From what you remember from both history and Latin class, the reason the Trojan war lasted so long was because Troy was impregnable, save a hollow wooden horse. Here and now, it was in fact the Achaean's that were fortified in your house, while the Trojans were outside, unprotected. Realizing this, you smile. "Achilles," you say. "Yes?" "Kill them." Achilles gives the command and Agamemnon rallies as well. The whole of the Argive forces charge out of your house and meet the Trojans in battle. Hector falls back to lead his troops, Paris falls into the water and drowns beautifully. No one has ever not-known-how-to-swim quite so glamorously. It was an absolute bloodbath. Virgil really didn't do it justice when he wrote the Iliad. Your stomach turns over itself at the incredibly graphic depictions of violence. Good god, Gladiator and 300 did not prepare you for this. Nothing could have prepared you for 200,000 ancient Greek warriors tearing each other to shreds. You really were hoping there would be some of the poetics of Patroclus wearing Achilles armor or Hector and Achilles fighting one-on-one, but no, there is only the bloodbath. You cower inside your house, though not as beautifully as Paris cowered, and wait until the whole thing blows over. //This is the worst 17th birthday party ever// you think to yourself. Eventually, the fighting is over, you can hear in the distance a great shout go up from the Achaean forces; the Trojans are defeated. The Great Ajax walks back inside your parents' house to say, "Thanks for inviting us to your party! It was fun, we're going to head out now. Gotta get back to our homes and families, that is, if they're still waiting for us." and then as swiftly as they came, the Argive ships left, leaving you alone with a house and yard in ruins. You wonder where Mikey and Jason disappeared to. You wonder //how will I explain all of this to my parents?// You wonder how you'll top this party next year on your 18th birthday. You decide that maybe it's best to just do something small. [[Game Over: You Won the Trojan War Ending|Epilogue]]

You do your best to size up the situation but honestly that was never really your strong suit. "Gentlemen, please," you start, "I really think we can come to a peaceful solution." Hector, Achilles, and Agamemnon all glare at you, Paris looks at you handsomely. "Honestly, your inability to pick a side is just embarrassing," says Agamemnon. "Let's go, Achilles." And just like that, the entire Achaean army leaves, taking their gifts with them. Each foot-soldier takes back either his barrel of wine, keg of olive oil, ornate shortsword, battered shield, goat, or wreath. Peneleos, Leitus, Arcesilaus, Prothoenor, and Clonius, the captains of the Boeotians, their 3:1 scale bronze statue of their image. The detail is staggering even as they are carried out of your home. Ascalaphus and Ialmenus, sons of Mars, take back their two stallions, each sleek and well-groomed, and a rich roan color. It's a good thing you didn't name them. Schedius and Epistrophus, sons of mighty Iphitus the son of Naubolus, take the fine silver rings and bracelets that they gave you right off your wrists and fingers. An olive tree that was given to you by Ajax, the fleet son of Oileus, is taken away by him. He wears a sad look on his face. And remarks, "This tree will never bear fruit." The fierce Abantes performs his elaborate dance in reverse to take it back, and it is now even harder to follow but ultimately leaves you with a bad and confused taste in your mouth. Menestheus, son of Peteos, the giver of 10,000 Red Solo Cups, says, "You can keep these, they're worthless anyways." Ajax, the Great Ajax, who washed your feet in rich, scented oils, now washes them in fresh goat urine. His hands are still just as gentle. Diomed of the loud battle-cry, and Sthenelus son of famed Capaneus, take back the coffee-table books for astrology and world maps, respectively. A large canopic jar, the gift of Euryalus, son of king Mecisteus, son of Talaus, is thrown on the ground and shattered. Everyone is shocked to find it empty. Diomed, the great commander, takes back the gift certificate for Claire's for half-off earrings and ear-piercing combo. He spits on the ground in front of you for good measure as well. King Agamemnon, son of Atreus, takes back the suitable land he gave you for farming, no longer yours for the taking if you chose to return with them to Achaea. Menelaus of the loud battle-cry, brother to Agamemnon, takes the rare wine that smells fouler than anything of this world. He finishes the bottle before they depart for home. Nestor, knight of Gerene, who performed the folk ballad says, "There is no way I can take my gift back, but if I could, I would. My song was pure and true, and you squandered it. Let this be a lesson to you." King Agapenor son of Ancaeus takes back his copy of Super Smash Bros Melee for the Nintendo GameCube. Amphimachus and Thalpius, Diores, son of Amarynces, and Polyxenus, son of King Agasthenes, each take back the single fig they gave you, and shake their heads in shame. Meges, peer of Mars, takes back his jar of "the blood of his enemies" and admits that it really is just cherry soda, but "you still don't deserve it." Ulysses, leader of the brave Cephallenians, takes back the magic conch shell that will grant you a wish and says, "Not even a wish could fix this mess now." A bolt of Zeus's lightning is the gift of Thoas, son of Andraemon, and he takes it just as easily as it was given. The famous spearsman Idomeneus, revokes his pledge of service to you, saying, "I would never fight for someone with no principles." Meriones, peer of murderous Mars, takes back his instructional DVD series on warfare and battle and adds, "Even you can't be helped by watching this." Tlepolemus, son of Hercules, takes back the cloak his father made of Nemean lion pelt. And Nireus, a man of no substance and with but a small following, who taught you an intricate handshake, as an act of friendship, bids you forget it and never do it again. The other Greeks are still not amused. Pheidippus and Antiphus, two sons of King Thessalus the son of Hercules, do a comic routine involving tumbling and hitting you with wooden swords. This pleases the other captains and is honestly a little extra. Achilles, the invincible Achilles, takes back the map he gave you that leads to the River Styx and tears it up in front of your face. Patroclus follows behind him and carefully gathers all of the scraps. Podarces, of the race of Mars, who has recently been filled-in about the nature of birthday parties, takes back the clipping of today's date-square from a calendar. Eumelus, son of Admetus, takes back his Eurhythmics vinyl and says, "You really should take better care of your records," referring to the knocked over record player. The skillful archer Philoctetes had been bitten by a poisonous water snake and was unable to attend, but Medon, the bastard son of Oileus by Rhene, takes back Philoctetes' gift on his behalf; his prized bow! Medon comments "You could never have wielded this thing anyways." The two sons of Aesculapius, skilled in the art of healing, Podalirius and Machaon, take back their extensive first aid kit and defibrillator, respectively, but leave you a some burn cream, for obvious reasons. Eurypylus, the son of Euaemon, does not take back the tube of special eucalyptus ointment that helps smooth your skin, for the same reason that Podalirius and Machaon left you the burn cream. Brave Polypoetes takes back his magic toad and whispers something in its ear that makes it growl at you. You did not know that toads could growl. Guneus takes the colt .22 revolver. Enienes and the valiant Peraebi, who showered you with perfumes, instead take turns farting on you for the better part of two minutes. It's more awkward than unbearable. And lastly, but not leastly, Prothous son of Tenthredon, who performed a stunning card trick, spoils the secret of his trick and the magic is ruined. This is the most crushing blow of all. After the last of the Achaeans leaves, the Trojans also decide to leave. Hector says, "I really thought that this was going to be a cool birthday party, but I guess not. We're going back to Troy now." And the Trojans left. Mikey and Jason were also not amused that everyone left, saying, "Wow, not cool dude," and leaving. On the bright side, at least your house isn't a total mess. But how will you explain the big scratch on your dad's King Crimson Record? Oh well, that's just the way it goes. [[Game Over: No Presents for You Ending|Bad Ending]]

Thank you so much for playing my game! Also Congratulations for reaching one of the good endings! I'm sure a lot of weird things happened and I would like to honor you for making it through, what a hero! If you'd like to play again, here's a link that will take you back to the beginning [[Restart|Start]] If you enjoyed the game, please consider following me on twitter or becoming a patron on my Patreon! https://twitter.com/djonprime https://www.patreon.com/jonprime I would like to thank my wonderful, illustrious, and generous patrons: ''Joseph "support Jon' on patreon" Walls Elizabeth B. Charles Kieser Manoj Gollamudi'' without you, this would not be possible. oh and Happy Birthday!

Dang, looks like you really messed up there. That's ok though, I'm sure you'll be able to shake this one off and try again right? Feel free to check out the tips section, here's a link: [[Hints]] You can also jump back into any birthday route to try again from here. It'll save you a screen: [[17]] [[19]] [[22]]

Great! What do you want to make? [[Shrinp Fettuccine Alfredo]] [[Onion Surprise]]

Mmmmmm good choice! The Recipe calls for 1 pound of shrinps 2 pounds of fettuccine noodles 2 tbs of Alfredo Extract 4 cloves of garlic 1 cup of fresh, grated Parmesan Cheese Extra Sauce Let's get cooking! How many shrinps do you want to use? [[1 shrinp|Shrinp smol 1]] [[1 pound|Shrinp good 1]] [[50 pounds|Shrinp large 1]]

Mmmmmmm, Onion Surprise! My favorite. Let's use your grandmother's recipe: The recipe calls for: 3 chopped vidalia onions 2 diced red onions 5 pureed yellow onions 4 whole green onions 6 squeezed shallots 2 small white onions 1 Oz surprise extract Let's get cooking! How many vidalia onions do you want to chop? [[1 chop of onion|Smol onion 1]] [[3 chopped onions|good onion 1]] [[30 chopped onions|large onion 1]]

The rest of the preparations for your birthday party can wait, this is important. You grab a flashlight from the top drawer of your parents' dresser and head down the carpeted stairs in the trapdoor. At the bottom of the staircase, it's dark, so you turn the flashlight on. The single beam of light illuminates a door with a gym-locker combo lock on it. But this won't stop you. You try entering your parents' anniversary but that doesn't work. Next you try your birthday, and then your conception day. No dice. April Fool's Day, every possible Arbor Day, The Solstice Festival, National Hotdog Day, the State Obedience Extravaganza, nothing works. You remember that both your parents are like 12, and on a whim, you try 04-20-69, and the lock opens. "Nice," you say aloud. You push the door open and it creaks ominously. ''//Crreeeeaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhck//'' You shine the flashlight in the dark doorway and reveal yet more stairs, even lower into the depths of the basement. You descend. The air slowly gets cooler until it's noticeably chilly, something rare in a world with government regulated temperature. After about 10 minutes of going down the stairs the carpet ends and the stairs become concrete. You wonder when on earth the staircase is going to end. Just as your legs are about to give out, you reach the bottom to find yet another door. This door is made of think metal and is cold to the touch. There's no lock. This is some real spooky stuff, maybe you should go back upstairs and wait for the guests to arrive. But also, you'll always be haunted by not knowing what's behind this door. What do you do? [[Wuss out and go upstairs]] [[Open the door]]

You know what? It's probably for the best that you don't explore the basement. And what are the odds that anyone will go down there, right? No need to take any pictures. Out of sight, out of mind. You head to the main foyer and wait for the guests to arrive. As if on cue, the doorbell rings. Who's at the door? [[Mikey and Jason|wrong party]] [[Teresa, Becky, and Dave|Cake 2]]

Yeah this is way to creepy. It's best to let sleeping basements lie, or so they say. You head to the main foyer and wait for the guests to arrive. As if on cue, the doorbell rings. Who's at the door? [[Mikey and Jason|wrong party]] [[Teresa, Becky, and Dave|Cake 2]]

Your heart is racing but you brace yourself and open the door. The weight of the door is immense and it cracks and groans horribly as you pry it open ''//CRRROOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHCK//'' A hurricane of frozen air rushes out of the opening and your teeth immediately start to chatter. It's too late to turn back now, you need to know what's inside. You step inside and almost slip and fall. You shine the flashlight on the floor to see that it's solid ice! The flashlight dies and you're in total darkness. You fumble around the icy floor and walls searching for a light switch, growing colder by the second. When you find the light switch and turn it on you regret it. The lights flicker on and your heart skips a beat. The room is circular. As per your assessment earlier, the floors are solid ice, and so are the walls. There are metal shelves in two rows of three with various body parts in blocks of ice. In the center of the room, there are three human sized blocks of ice, like slabs of marble that you can see the future statue inside. You have no choice but to get closer to the ice blocks. As you approach them, fears that you didn't even know you had were realized. In the first two blocks of ice are your mother and father, frozen in the middle of screaming and trying to claw their way out of the ice. When you see the third frozen figure a shiver runs down your spine. It's, you. You from a year ago. There's a confused and stupid look on your frozen face, matching your current expression. The door shuts and a shadow is standing in the doorway. "̸̳͗Y̵̛̰o̶̼͛u̷͈͝ ̷̌͜s̷͇̒h̷͔̀o̴̱̔u̴̩̎l̸͇̊d̷̏ͅṅ̵̩'̶̭̅ţ̵̈́ ̶̩̿ḥ̶̒a̴̮̓ṿ̸͌ḛ̴͛ ̶̩͊c̸̹̐o̵̦͗m̶͍̓e̸͎̓ ̴͚̀i̷͇̐ǹ̶̼ ̴̰̊ẖ̸̏ḛ̶͌r̶̭͐ê̷̯"̸̧̒ the figure says. Your blood runs cold. The shade steps closer and its identity is revealed. It's your state representative, Geoffrey Rembrantworthson, alleged ice murderer. How did he get in your house? Why is he doing this? How are you already there frozen in a block of ice, and also looking at your state representative, presumably about to die? You'll never know. A giant rectangular tube lowers over you at a breakneck pace and begins filling with water. You bang on the walls of the tube, but it's too strong, there's no escape. The water is up past your waist. You know that if you keep moving the water can't freeze, but eventually your body temperature will drop too low for you to do anything at all. Your frozen death is inevitable. If only you had just tried to celebrate your birthday like a normal teenager. The last thing you see is Geoffrey Rembrantworthson's evil smile. The only thing you can feel is cold and wet. Everything is cold. So cold. [[Game Over: Frozen Alive Ending|Bad Ending]]

some of them will be [[good|next hint]] some of them will be [[bad|next hint]]

I encourage you to try to find all the possible routes and fully experience every inch of this story! There are two final endings: a Good Ending (the epilogue) and a Bad Ending. Reaching the Good or Bad Ending does not mean you are good or bad, it only means that the actions you took resulted in such a fashion. No matter what you choose, the story you tell and experience is always good because it is worth telling. Just like real life; your story is good because it is worth telling. And now, here are some general hints and tips: This game is best played by reading it aloud with a group of friends. It simply does not have the same effect if you read it quietly to yourself. Certain passages are meant to be read aloud. If you play this game by yourself, I encourage you to try it with your friends later on. If there's a passage that is too long (or contains words in Greek that you cannot pronounce), feel free to skim it! But be warned, I will probably hide some good jokes in exceptionally long passages. Don't forget to have fun. If you're not having fun, don't waste your time. Go read a book or something. The content warnings are not a joke! If you are concerned about any of the content warnings, you are advised not to play this game because any of the warnings could pop up in any of the routes. Please use your best judgement to protect yourself from potentially harmful content. If you liked this game the best way you can support me is dropping me a follow on twitter or becoming a patron on Patreon! https://twitter.com/djonprime https://www.patreon.com/jonprime My wonderful, illustrious, and generous patrons are (at the time of the release of this game) ''Joseph "support Jon' on patreon" Walls Elizabeth B. Charles Kieser Manoj Gollamudi'' I think that's all you need to know, let's start! [[Birthday Select Screen]]

Teresa, Becky, and Dave arrive at your door and you welcome them inside. You're honestly surprised that they're even hanging out with you. Dave is carrying an enormous cake. "Wow, nice place, loser," says Teresa. "Did you take pictures of everything? Your house is going to be traaaaashed by the time we're done partying, the least we can do is try to put everything back the way it was once we're done, like tomorrow," says Becky You show them the detailed photos you took of each room and they all approve. Dave says, "Well this cake's not going to eat itself. That would be really weird." You break out the nicest plates your family owns and set them in a stack on the kitchen table next to Dave's enormous cake. Dave slices it up and plates four slices, one for each of you. It looks beautiful and delicious. "What did you put in it?" you ask Dave. "Cake stuff and some drugs." "Which drugs?" "Yes." Satisfied with his answer you take a bite of the cake. It's the most delectable thing you've ever put in your mouth. Smooth, rich, creamy, cakey, cake. Hints of hazelnut permeate your palate. "OMG," says Teresa, "Dave, this is AMAZING!" "Yeah, like totally," says Becky. "Wow, I'm in heaven," you say. "Thanks, guys. Happy birthday, homie." It should take a while to kick in, what do you want to do while you wait? [[sit on the couch]]

The instant you hit the couch reality is lost. There is no hope of discerning what is real and what is fiction. The doorbell rings and a giraffe wearing a hoop skirt goes to answer it. You look to where Becky was about to sit next to you and are shocked to see that there is another, smaller couch sitting next to you on the couch. The couch smiles at you and holds your hand. "First time?" it says. Normally you would recoil and scream but instead you laugh and wink, and say "Shhhh, don't tell Tyler." No one knows who Tyler is, but it felt like the right thing to say. You and the couch both laugh for what feels like years. The next time you have the mental faculties to look around, there are a bunch of people in your house, including the majority of your high (lol) school, and also the Jonas Brothers and the Naked Brothers Band. The two bands of brothers sit down next to you on the couch (not the small couch, the big couch) and start watching the miniseries Band of Brothers. You need some air so you try to walk up to your room to open a window. You end up in the attic with the New York Greater Met Area Mets, the giraffe from earlier, the small couch, and a very large Nintendo GameCube playing spin the bottle. "It's your turn, birthday kid," they all say at once. as you slowly reach of the bottle and attempt to spin it, there are various chants of //spin spin spin spin spin // And when you finally spin the bottle it makes a great rattling noise like a giant empty marble rolling down a ramp in a parking garage. What happens next? [[Something unexpected]] [[Something else unexpected]]

Good call! You've got like 3 midterms next week and you're hoping to make the Dean's list this semester. You call up Jeremy, Susan, and Alex and tell them you're having a chill study session for your birthday and they're all SO down. Everyone brings snacks and the practice midterms and you have a great time studying together! This is probably the most fun and productive birthday party you've ever had. I'm so proud of you. Now it's time for your midterms! [[wait, I thought this was birthday simulator, not midterm simulator]]

That's a great idea! You and all your nerd friends will surely have a great time playing a TTRPG (tabletop roleplaying game) together. It just so happens that everyone's availability is wide open for your birthday. Phoebe, Lukas, Violet, and Cyril come over to the common room of your college dorm and set up the dice, battlemap, and snacks. Phoebe, the GM (gamemaster) has been GM-ing Dungeons and Dark Places for ya'll for the past couple of months, so you're pretty far into your campaign. She has pink hair with shaved sides and cool earrings. She's wearing a romper that says "Bad Itch" on it. She puts up the GM screen on the table and begins looking through her session notes. Lukas plays Klaus the barbarian, a fierce master of war. Lukas himself is a big softie that just really likes battle strategy and rolling lots of dice. Lukas has shaggy, blonde hair with a blue stripe down the side. He's wearing a shirt that says "Morrissey / 1982-1987" with Morrissey's face on it in black and white. Violet plays Matilda, a sorceress with great magical powers. Violet herself is an ultimate frisbee jock and Matilda's spells manifest as magical discs. For Violet, Dungeons and Dark Places is just another way to play frisbee. Violet has tangled brown hair of an indiscernible shape, style, and length. She's wearing an oversized, light yellow hoodie with a design of shirtless Wario laying on a beach. Cyril plays Simon, a cleric specializing in holy healing magic. Cyril is a mouse of a lad, small in everything he does. Two inches shorter than the government standard of 6'1", the rest of the world towers over him. Even his voice is small since his vocal cords are shorter. Despite his puny and small, pathetic stature, Cyril is also really buff and has a shaved head. He almost looks like a shorter version of Mr. Clean, plain white t-shirt too. And you are of course, a [[Bard]]

don't argue with me, I make the rules here. [[no, the birthday is over, you have no power here]]

try me [[ok, fine I will]]

here's your first midterm limx→2 x^^3^^-7x^^2^^+10x ____________ x^^2^^+x-6 [[-6/5]] [[the limit does not exist]] [[I'm not doing this stupid math problem]]

Good work, nerd. Here's your next question: Who killed Commedia dell'Arte? [[Napoleon Bonaparte]] [[Carlo Goldoni]] [[I thought this was a math midterm]]

nope, the limit exists, you need to use L’Hospital’s Rule, try again. [[Try again|ok, fine I will]]

lol, yes you are [[fine|ok, fine I will]]

Excellent, nerd! Now it's time for your last question: Hamlet, yes or no? [[yes|the grade]] [[no|the grade]] [[You're really grasping at straws here]]

While this answer is not incorrect, it is also not correct either. Goldoni did kill the spirit of what made commedia commedia by scripting it, however his was not the final nail in the coffin. [[try again|-6/5]]

It was a short math midterm. Now come on, finish your Italian renaissance history question [[geez, whatever|-6/5]]

Good job you passed your three midterms, nerd. I hope you enjoyed studying with your friends on your birthday. I GUESS you can have the good ending, nerd. [[Game Over: Huge Nerd Ending|Epilogue]]

Okay maybe I am, but you don't have to be so mean about it! I'm just trying to create a fun experience and you're being a total smart aleck [[oh, I'm sorry. I had no idea]]

you know what? forget it. here's the bad ending. I'm done with you. Learn some manners why don't ya. [[Wait!|Bad Ending]]

Ah yes, the bard; the artful, support class; the peerless, charismatic musician. You wield your music as a magical battlecry, making your allies stronger and your foes weaker. Your name? Truffaldino of the True Song. You resume your campaign where you left off. Klaus, Matilda, Simon and Truffaldino are prepared to storm the swamp castle of Goni, the evil wizard, the poisoner of the realm, and just a bad guy in general. You and the party are fairly high-leveled but Phoebe is going to pull out all the stops to make this session a challenging one. Phoebe narrates, "As you set foot on the drawbridge to Goni's castle, an evil aura surrounds you. Everyone make a Will save." Everyone in the party rolls a d20 (a twenty sided die) and adds their Will modifier. Klaus gets a 21, Matilda gets a 14, Simon gets a 6, and you get a 12. "Oof," says Cyril. "Everyone but Simon has enough will to resist the darkness," says Phoebe, "but Simon you're now Afraid and can't think straight. Take a -1 ongoing to intelligence rolls." "Dang!" says Lukas. "Well, at least it was just Simon." "Cyril, tell us what Simon's going through?" says Phoebe. "Right now, Simon is realizing that something really bad could happen to anyone in the party, including him. He's torn about the possibility of having to choose between healing himself or healing his friends should the opportunity arise. He's also like visibly shaking and the party can see this." "Klaus notices Simon shaking and goes to comfort him," says Lukas. "Klaus says, 'Hey, Simon, it's ok. I know we're going to make it through this alright. I'll stand right in front of you and no one can get past me.' And then Klaus grins like an idiot and gives a big thumbs up." "This makes Simon feel a little better," says Cyril, "But he's still worried about the dangers that the party is about to face." "Good! Great! I love it," says Phoebe. "I hope you're ready for what's next. As you continue across the drawbridge, you hear a horrible screech and the wind begins to billow around you. You look up and see an enormous red dragon descend from the sky and land in front of you, blocking your path. The dragon roars and breathes fire into the air, and then he speaks to you, 'Leave now if you value your lives. I won't give you another chance to flee.' What do you do?" [[Attack the Dragon!]] [[Reason with the Dragon]] [[Flee]]

Nice! What a good amount of shrinp. How many noodles? [[1 noodle|Shrinp xtra smol 2]] [[2 pounds of noodles|Shrinp smol 2]] [[20 pounds of noodles|Shrinp good 2]]

Nice! What a good amount of shrinp. How many noodles? [[1 noodle|Shrinp smol 2]] [[2 pounds of noodles|Shrinp good 2]] [[20 pounds of noodles|Shrinp large 2]]

Nice! What a good amount of shrinp. How many noodles? [[1 noodle|Shrinp good 2]] [[2 pounds of noodles|Shrinp large 2]] [[20 pounds of noodles|Shrinp xtra large 2]]

Yummy! Next is the Alfredo Extract [[1 drop|Shrinp xtra smol 3]] [[2 tbs|Shrinp smol 3]] [[1 bottle|Shrinp good 3]]

Yummy! Next is the Alfredo Extract [[1 drop|Shrinp smol 3]] [[2 tbs|Shrinp good 3]] [[1 bottle|Shrinp large 3]]

Yummy! Next is the Alfredo Extract [[1 drop|Shrinp good 3]] [[2 tbs|Shrinp large 3]] [[1 bottle|Shrinp xtra large 3]]

Delish! Now it's time for the garlic [[1 mince of garlic|shrinp xtra smol 4]] [[4 cloves of garlic|shrinp smol 4]] [[40 cloves of garlic|shrinp good 4]]

Delish! Now it's time for the garlic [[1 mince of garlic|shrinp smol 4]] [[4 cloves of garlic|shrinp good 4]] [[40 cloves of garlic|shrinp large 4]]

Delish! Now it's time for the garlic [[1 mince of garlic|shrinp good 4]] [[4 cloves of garlic|shrinp large 4]] [[40 cloves of garlic|shrinp xtra large 4]]

Delish! Now it's time for the Parmesan cheese [[1 grate of cheese|shrinp xtra smol 6]] [[1 cup|shrinp smol 6]] [[All the cheese in Parma|shrinp good 6]]

Delish! Now it's time for the Parmesan cheese [[1 grate of cheese|shrinp smol 6]] [[1 cup|shrinp good 6]] [[All the cheese in Parma|shrinp large 6]]

Delish! Now it's time for the Parmesan cheese [[1 grate of cheese|shrinp good 6]] [[1 cup|shrinp large 6]] [[All the cheese in Parma|shrinp xtra large 6]]

Wonderful! Now, the Extra Sauce [[A tiny amount|shrinp xtra smol 7]] [[A sensible amount|shrinp smol 7]] [[So much. So much Sauce. It's so Extra. Help me. |shrinp smol 7]]

Wonderful! Now, the Extra Sauce [[A tiny amount|shrinp smol 7]] [[A sensible amount|shrinp good 7]] [[So much. So much Sauce. It's so Extra. Help me. |shrinp large 7]]

Wonderful! Now, the Extra Sauce [[A tiny amount|shrinp large 7]] [[A sensible amount|shrinp large 7]] [[So much. So much Sauce. It's so Extra. Help me. |shrinp xtra large 7]]

Well done! It looks like you prepared a [[Pretty smol meal]] is this what you wanted to make? [[Yes|Pretty smol meal]] [[No, let me try again|Shrinp Fettuccine Alfredo]]

Well done! It looks like you prepared a [[Perfect Recipe]] is this what you wanted to make? [[Yes|Perfect Recipe]] [[No, let me try again|Shrinp Fettuccine Alfredo]]

Well done! It looks like you prepared a [[Pretty Large Batch]] is this what you wanted to make? [[Yes|Pretty Large Batch]] [[No, let me try again|Shrinp Fettuccine Alfredo]]

Yummy! Next is the Alfredo Extract [[1 drop|Shrinp xtra smol 3]] [[2 tbs|Shrinp smol 3]] [[1 bottle|Shrinp good 3]]

Yummy! Next is the Alfredo Extract [[1 drop|Shrinp good 3]] [[2 tbs|Shrinp large 3]] [[1 bottle|Shrinp xtra large 3]]

Delish! Now it's time for the garlic [[1 mince of garlic|shrinp xtra smol 4]] [[4 cloves of garlic|shrinp smol 4]] [[40 cloves of garlic|shrinp good 4]]

Delish! Now it's time for the Parmesan cheese [[1 grate of cheese|shrinp xtra smol 6]] [[1 cup|shrinp smol 6]] [[All the cheese in Parma|shrinp good 6]]

Wonderful! Now, the Extra Sauce [[A tiny amount|shrinp xtra smol 7]] [[A sensible amount|shrinp smol 7]] [[So much. So much Sauce. It's so Extra. Help me. |shrinp smol 7]]

Well done! It looks like you prepared a [[Pathetically Tiny Shrinp Snack]] This is the smallest meal you can make, is this what you wanted? [[Yes|Pathetically Tiny Shrinp Snack]] [[No, let me try again|Shrinp Fettuccine Alfredo]]

Well done! It looks like you prepared a [[Shrinp Abomination]] This is the largest possible meal, is this what you wanted? [[Yes|Shrinp Abomination]] [[No, let me try again|Shrinp Fettuccine Alfredo]]

Delish! Now it's time for the garlic [[1 mince of garlic|shrinp good 4]] [[4 cloves of garlic|shrinp large 4]] [[40 cloves of garlic|shrinp xtra large 4]]

Delish! Now it's time for the Parmesan cheese [[1 grate of cheese|shrinp good 6]] [[1 cup|shrinp large 6]] [[All the cheese in Parma|shrinp xtra large 6]]

Wonderful! Now, the Extra Sauce [[A tiny amount|shrinp good 7]] [[A sensible amount|shrinp large 7]] [[So much. So much Sauce. It's so Extra. Help me. |shrinp xtra large 7]]

You carefully assemble your less-than-bite-sized snack for your birthday dinner and you are very pleased at the gourmet style. The single shrinp with the single noodle, coiled in a tight spiral on top, the singular grate of cheese perfectly balanced on top, the small pile of sustenance drizzled with a drop of sauce and alfredo extract. It's perfect. Your friends arrive and are less than amused. Mary, Mike, Rita, and Debbie take turns making fun of your tiny shrinp snack. "//This// is dinner? For who, an ant?" says Mary. "I could never eat something so adorable," says Mike. "I can't believe you spent time making this and honestly thought we would all be able to eat this," says Rita. "Yeah, you dingus, I'm vegan! I can't have shrinp, cheese, or Alfredo extract. But you know what, this portion is so small that I could eat it and still be a vegan by virtue or the law of portions, which clearly states that any portion deemed too small to be a meal or even a snack does not technically break veganhood," and as soon as she says this, Debbie downs the whole plate of shrinp fettuccine alfredo. Unbeknownst to everyone, Debbie has a severe shrinp allergy and goes into anaphylactic shock. You, being a well-prepared host get your emergency epipen and properly inject it into Debbie's thigh, effectively saving her life. You tell Mary to call an ambulance, which is the proper thing to do after using an epipen for an allergic reaction. Debbie begins breathing normally again and says: "I can't believe I almost died! And to think, the last thing I would have done would have been eating shrinp just to spite you. Thank you for saving me. I'm so glad you're an allergy-prepared friend. Now come here and kiss me!" [[Kiss her!]] [[Politely decline]]

You prepare a smol and cute meal of sensible portions, perhaps enough for one person to eat for a light lunch. It's not laughable, but it certainly isn't substantial. Your presentation is impeccable. Your dish looks like it belongs on the appetizer round of Chopped, everyone's favorite TV show by law. Your friends arrive together, making a grand entrance into your apartment. "Hey, what's the news, birthday kid!" says Mike, playfully kicking your door open after you unlock it. Mary, Debbie, and Rita are doubled over laughing at Mike's classic antics. What a joker. You invite everyone inside and they gather in your small kitchenette, staring at the single, smol plate of shrinp fettuccine alfredo. They are speechless. No one can think of something clever enough to say that appropriately fits the mood. "Well," starts Rita, "It sure //looks// nice." "Yeah, thanks for dinner, champ," says Mike, grabbing the plate, "But what is everyone else going to eat?" "Hey, no fair, Mike!" says Debbie, grabbing the plate from him. "Debbie, give it here," says Mary. And with that your four friends fight over the plate of shrinp. It's a great brawl of hands and feet, an intricate fight-dance of who-gets-to-eat-the-delicious-dinner?, a fisticuffs tango. Suddenly, something happens! [[The plate flies into the air]] [[The plate falls onto the floor]]

With meticulous effort and expert chef skills, you skillfully recreate the perfect recipe (maybe some parts were a //little// bit our of proportion, but it all balanced out in the end; cooking is more art than science). You've truly outdone yourself with this gourmet-level dish. Well done! Your friends arrive and the first thing they comment on is how your apartment smells wonderfully of shrinp, a rare compliment indeed. "Wow, is that shrinp fettuccine alfredo I smell?" says Mary. "I smell it too!" says Mike. "It smells //good//," says Rita. "Happy birthday, let's heckin' eat!" says Debbie. The five of you sit down and each serve yourselves a reasonable portion of shrinp fettuccine alfredo. It's delicious, easily the best food you've ever prepared, perhaps the best you've ever eaten. Your friends agree, it's really darn good. "Wow, I thought we were supposed to give //you// presents!" says Debbie. "Yeah, homie, this is just //too// good. Happy birthday," says Mike. "I don't think I could eat another bite, but I //want// to," says Rita. "Is anybody else, like //really// inexplicably horny right now? I don't know what it is about this shirnp fettuccine alfredo but my body is on //fire// and mama needs some //some//thing," says Mary. "You know what? Now that you mention it, I //am// really horny," says Debbie. "Me too," Mike and Rita say in unison. "Let's say we give our compliments to the chef then?" says Mary. [[Yes, let's]] [[No, thanks, I'm good actually]]

Your kitchen is a mess. There's sauce on the walls and shrinp tails on the floor. Your whole apartment reeks of alfredo extract. There are noodles on the ceiling. Your recipe is complete. This is the most food you've ever made in your life and definitely way too much for five people to eat. At least you'll have leftovers. Mary, Mike, Debbie, and Rita arrive and begin coughing and fall to the ground. The odor of the shinp fettuccine alfredo is overpowering. They stumble into the kitchen. "Happy birthday!" they all say between coughing fits. "Did ya cook up a dumpster fire in here?" asks Mike. "It smells like the strongest batch of shrinp fettuccine alfredo I've ever experienced," says Mary. "Don't worry," says Debbie, "We'll help you eat it." "I mean, it is your birthday, we kind of have to!" says Rita. Everyone gets a heaping helping of SFA (shrinp fettuccine alfredo) and sits to eat at your kitchen table. You open a window. As you and your friends chow down you can't help but notice that the food on your plates isn't getting any smaller. "Uh, is it just me, or did someone put more SFA on my plate?" says Mike. "No, me too. It's really good, but I haven't made a dent in it," says Mary. "Yeah, did you use Strega Nona's pasta pot or something?" says Debbie. Flustered, you look around the kitchen and notice that your friends are right; the pot on the stove did belong to your grandmother, Strega Nona, which you were never to use. The noodles are slowing pouring out of it, filling your apartment. You look down at your feet and little shrinps are floating past in a sea of pasta. "We have to get out of here," says Rita. "Sorry, I know it's your birthday, but we have to go," says Mike. What do you do? [["Wait, no, I can fix this!]] [["You'll never escape."]]

You dirty every pot and pan in your kitchen boiling noodles and frying shrinp. If your high school cooking teacher saw you, she would be shaking her head in shame at how disgusting your work-station was. You felt like Linguine in Ratatouille, an amateur full of potential, except you did not have a tiny rat controlling you to be a good chef. Truly you have prepared an abomination. The smell is overpowering. The sight is unbearable. Even the sound of the shrinp, sauce, and noodles coexisting is unsettling. Your friends arrive and are filled with a sense of unease. They hesitate to take off their shoes and coats and think about leaving and never speaking to you again. Your apartment has always been a welcoming place and now it bears an evil and vile aura. An aura of death. "Uh, hey there, birthday haver," Mike says awkwardly from the entry hallway into the kitchen. "Happy birthday," says Mary. "Yeah, ditto. What'd you make for dinner? Smells like some shrinp fettuccine alfredo," says Debbie, the only one with any manners left. "Wow, way to point out the obvious, Debbie. This place reeks of SFA (shrinp fettuccine alfredo)," says Rita. Unaware of the discomfort of your friends, you all head into the kitchen. When Mike tries to serve himself, the massive pot of SFA swallows the pasta spoon. Everyone looks in confusion. Moments later, the pot rumbles and slowly the pasta begins to rise. It continues rising and growing and shaping itself into an abomination. In all of your ambition to create a delicious meal, you have doomed your friends by summoning a pasta golem. Standing 10 feet tall, weighing an impressive 3000 pounds, and being made shrinp fettuccine alfredo and pure evil, the pasta golem is a force to behold. Its eyes are gaping holes, its limbs are massive trunks of noodles, it oozes and drips a never-ending supply of alfredo sauce, it looks, hungry. It lumbers towards you. You and your friends are frozen in fear. It stretches a giant pasta arm towards you at lightning speed. You are in its warm, sticky grasp. "Run!" you shout to your friends. It may be too late for you, but hopefully they can make it out alive. The pasta golem opens what could only be its mouth and swallows you whole. Everything is dark. Alfredo sauce begins filling your lungs. Soon you will be one with the shrinp fettuccine alfredo golem. You never thought you would die quite like this, and on your own birthday no less. Oh well, that's just the way it goes. [[Game Over: Killed by Pasta Golem Ending|Bad Ending]]

Alright, next is diced red onions, how many? [[1 dice of onion|xtra smol onion 2]] [[2 diced onions|smol onion 2]] [[20 diced onions|good onion 2]]

Alright, next is diced red onions, how many? [[1 dice of onion|smol onion 2]] [[2 diced onions|good onion 2]] [[20 diced onions|large onion 2]]

Alright, next is diced red onions, how many? [[1 dice of onion|good onion 2]] [[2 diced onions|large onion 2]] [[20 diced onions|xtra large onion 2]]

Nice, next is the yellow onions, how many do you want to puree? [[just 1|sxtra smol onion 3]] [[5|smol onion 3]] [[50|good onion 3]]

Nice, next is the yellow onions, how many do you want to puree? [[just 1|smol onion 3]] [[5|good onion 3]] [[50|large onion 3]]

Nice, next is the yellow onions, how many do you want to puree? [[just 1|good onion 3]] [[5|large onion 3]] [[50|xtra large onion3]]

Sick, how many whole green onions are you adding? [[1/2|xtra smol onion 4]] [[4|smol onion 4]] [[40|good onion 4]]

Sick, how many whole green onions are you adding? [[1/2|smol onion 4]] [[4|good onion 4]] [[40|large onion 4]]

How many shallots are you squeezing? [[1 squeeze of 1 shallot|extra smol onion 5]] [[6 shallots|smol onion 5]] [[60 shallots|good onion 5]]

How many shallots are you squeezing? [[1 squeeze of 1 shallot|smol onion 5]] [[6 shallots|good onion 5]] [[60 shallots|large onion 5]]

How many shallots are you squeezing? [[1 squeeze of 1 shallot|good onion 5]] [[6 shallots|large onion 5]] [[60 shallots|extra large onion 5]]

Next is the white onion skin, how many? [[1 onion skin flake|extra smol onion 6]] [[2 onion skins|smol onion 6]] [[20 onion skins|good onion 6]]

Next is the white onion skin, how many? [[1 onion skin flake|smol onion 6]] [[2 onion skins|good onion 6]] [[20 onion skins|large onion 6]]

Next is the white onion skin, how many? [[1 onion skin flake|good onion 6]] [[2 onion skins|large onion 6]] [[20 onion skins|extra large onion 6]]

Wonderful, now for the last ingredient, Surprise Extract How much do you put in? [[1 drip of surprise|extra smol onion 7]] [[1 ounce of surprise|smol onion 7]] [[1 bottle of surprise extract|smol onion 7]]

Wonderful, now for the last ingredient, Surprise Extract How much do you put in? [[1 drip of surprise|smol onion 7]] [[1 ounce of surprise|good onion 7]] [[1 bottle of surprise extract|large onion 7]]

Wonderful, now for the last ingredient, Surprise Extract How much do you put in? [[1 drip of surprise|large onion 7]] [[1 ounce of surprise|large onion 7]] [[1 bottle of surprise extract|xtra large onion 7]]

Well done! It looks like you prepared a [[Smol Onion Surprise]] Is this what you wanted? [[Yes|Smol Onion Surprise]] [[No, let me try again|Onion Surprise]]

Well done! It looks like you prepared a [[Perfect Onion Surprise]] Is this what you wanted? [[Yes|Perfect Onion Surprise]] [[No, let me try again|Onion Surprise]]

Well done! It looks like you prepared a [[Big Boy Onion Surprise]] Is this what you wanted? [[Yes|Big Boy Onion Surprise]] [[No, let me try again|Onion Surprise]]

Nice, next is the yellow onions, how many do you want to puree? [[just 1|sxtra smol onion 3]] [[5|smol onion 3]] [[50|good onion 3]]

Nice, next is the yellow onions, how many do you want to puree? [[just 1|good onion 3]] [[5|large onion 3]] [[50|xtra large onion3]]

Sick, how many whole green onions are you adding? [[1/2|xtra smol onion 4]] [[4|smol onion 4]] [[40|good onion 4]]

Sick, how many whole green onions are you adding? [[1/2|good onion 4]] [[4|large onion 4]] [[40|extra large onion 4]]

How many shallots are you squeezing? [[1 squeeze of 1 shallot|extra smol onion 5]] [[6 shallots|smol onion 5]] [[60 shallots|good onion 5]]

How many shallots are you squeezing? [[1 squeeze of 1 shallot|good onion 5]] [[6 shallots|large onion 5]] [[60 shallots|extra large onion 5]]

Next is the white onion skin, how many? [[1 onion skin flake|extra smol onion 6]] [[2 onion skins|smol onion 6]] [[20 onion skins|good onion 6]]

Next is the white onion skin, how many? [[1 onion skin flake|good onion 6]] [[2 onion skins|large onion 6]] [[20 onion skins|extra large onion 6]]

Well done! It looks like you prepared a [[Super Tiny Onion Surprise]] This is the smallest meal you can make, is this what you wanted? [[Yes|Super Tiny Onion Surprise]] [[No, let me try again|Onion Surprise]]

Well done! It looks like you prepared a [[Onion Abomination]] This is the largest meal you can make, is this what you wanted? [[Yes|Onion Abomination]] [[No, let me try again|Onion Surprise]]

The work is painstaking, but it has to be if you want it to be precise. You carefully compose the smallest dish of onion surprise imaginable. It is delicate, fragile, pathetic even, in the sense that the sight of it evokes pathos due to its puny stature. Who would make such a small stack of onion fragments? Why would they do this? You would. And perhaps we will never know why, but maybe that's not important. The point is, you could, and you did, and now here we are. You invited your four best friends over for dinner, and for some reason it hasn't crossed your mind that this amount of food will not suffice for a meal for even one of you. Shelby, Nancy, Erica, and Katherine arrive and all wish you a warm and sincere, "Happy birthday!" "Boy, I'm starving! What's for dinner, birthday chef?" says Shelby. "Me too! It smells like onions, what else are you making?" says Nancy. "Please tell me it's your mom's spaghetti sauce! That's my favorite," says Erica. "Ugh, if you just started browning off the onions for spaghetti sauce it'll be a while before we eat. C'mon, what'd you make?" You smile in excitement, "Come to the kitchen and I'll show you." The five of you walk into the kitchen and you present them with a small plate with the embarrassing portion of onion surprise on it while grinning like an idiot. "I present to you, onion surprise!" They stare at the dish and blink at you. "What's the surprise? How puny it is?" says Katherine. "It's just onions. Why would you do this?" says Nancy. "Is this some kind of joke?" says Erica. "It's not even enough for an appetizer!" says Shelby. Your friends clearly aren't pleased with what you've prepared. What do you do? [[Go to Chili's]] [[Insist that they give it a chance]]

You prepare a cute and sensible sized portion of onion surprise. Just enough of every kind of onion for a little taste tour of onion town. And the surprise? Truly surprising. It's perhaps the most gourmet inspired dish you've ever made. You imagine serving it at a fancy restaurant for $16 a plate and food critics writing rave reviews, such as, "Wow, what an onion surprise it was." Your friends arrive and comment on the lovely smell of your apartment, wishing you a happy birthday as well. "Wow, you really stepped up your cooking game, it smells amazing in here!" says Shelby. "Yeah, for real. What'd you make?" says Nancy. "Smells like onions! I love onions," says Erica. "You better not have done something funny, even if it is your birthday," says Katherine. You lead them into the kitchen and reveal a table set for five, and five plates of onion surprise. "It's onion surprise!" you say, excitedly. Your friends shrug, except for Erica who is just as enthusiastic as you are about this. In just a few bites, the meal is over as soon as it started. "Delicious appetizer, now what's for the main course?" says Shelby. "Yeah, what's for dinner?" says Nancy. Sweat dots your brow. You really didn't think this through, did you? Your friends are still hungry, what do you do? [[Escape]] [[Tell them the truth]]

With expert care and ability, you follow the recipe perfectly and create the ultimate onion surprise. Such a feat has never been matched. This is a five-star meal, just the right amount for five people. Well done, you are truly a master chef. Your friends arrive and are absolutely floored. "Happy birthday, little chef!" says Shelby. "Smells like a fancy restaurant in here," says Nancy. "No kidding, is that //onion// I smell?" says Erica. "I think it's every kind of onion, and something else too, I just can't quite place it," says Katherine. "Come on, enough talk, let's eat!" you say. Your friends all sit at the kitchen table and you serve them each the perfect sized portion of onion surprise. They look confused. "This. This is just onions," says Katherine. "Are you sure you know what you're doing?" says Nancy. "Try it, you'll like it," you insist. At your behest, they try the onion surprise. As you expected, it's a smash hit. "OMG," says Erica, "This is my new favorite food." "Wow, you've really outdone yourself this time," says Shelby. "Ok, fine, you got me, it's really good. But I have to know. What's the surprise?" asks Katherine. "Alright fine, since you asked, I added a little bit of //surprise extract//." This kills the vibe. "YOU WHAT?" they all say at the same time. "You know, I just threw in a dash of surprise extract. What's the big deal?" "Do you know what they put in surprise extract?" says Shelby. "No, the FDA doesn't require them to publicly release their ingredients. Why?" Erica, Nancy, and Katherine all go into the bathroom to throw up. "Surprise extract is a temporal flavor anomaly. It tastes like all of the wonderful surprises that are left in your future, and consequently, prevents those surprises from ever occurring because you ate them. The FDA only approves the sale of surprise extract because it keeps the proletariat miserable and powerless. By feeding it to us, you've just robbed us of all our unexpected hopes and dreams being achieved. For all I know, I may never meet the love of my life, thanks to you. I'll probably have to work a boring government job running background checks until I turn thirty since you stole any chance of my dream job appearing out of the blue. And you want to know what the worst part of this whole thing is? You used surprise extract to make //onion surprise//! You could have made anything and yet for some reason you were inspired to just use one of every kind of onion and ruin our future. How dare you," says Shelby. Erica, Nancy, and Katherine are back from the bathroom. They look at Shelby, as if asking her if she's going to throw up as well. She shakes her head and says, "We all know it's too late for that." And with that they leave. What an absolute blunder you made. Good job. Happy birthday, I guess. [[Game Over: Time Disaster Ending|Bad Ending]]

Uffda, wow, this is a lot of food. Like for real. The meal prep alone took you over an hour. But wow was it worth it! This is truly an onion disaster in the best way possible. Your kitchen might as well be an onion orchard. You really hope you made enough for five people. Don't worry, you did. Your friends arrive and are taken aback by the rich and pungent aroma of onion. They start crying as well. It's hard to see through the onion vapors that cloud your apartment. "Happy birthday," says Shelby, trying not to making it obvious that she's crying. "Did you chop up a coupla onions in here or something?" says Nancy. "Wow, I love onions, but this is kind of a lot," says Erica, coughing. "If this turns out to be a prank, I'm leaving," says Katherine. "It's not a prank, it's dinner!" you say. "Come on, let's eat!" You all head to the kitchen and you reveal a huge stock pot full to the brim with onion surprise. "No way," Erica and Katherine say at the same time. "I call it, //onion surprise//!" you say. "What's the surprise?" says Nancy. "Try it and find out." Your friends all serve themselves a moderate helping of onion surprise from the stock pot, barely making a dent in the total amount of onion surprise. Perhaps the greatest surprise is that it's actually really good! It's so good in fact that everyone gets up for seconds, and even thirds, fourths for Erica. "Oughf, I'm stuffed, but I still want more," says Shelby. "Me too, I can barely move," says Nancy. "Just one more bite, that's all I need," says Erica. "Are you sure, Erica? You've already had four helpings," says Katherine. "One more bite couldn't hurt," says Erica. She sticks her spoon into the stock pot for one more bite and as soon as the onion surprise passes her lips, a look of shock appears on her face. "Oh no," she says. Her whole body starts to glow and air around her becomes hot and starts to vibrate. Then her skins becomes flakey and she starts growing. She screams but it's cut off. Where Erica was standing in your kitchen just moments ago is now a giant onion, wearing Erica's clothes. Everyone stares in disbelief at the giant onion that until recently was their friend. "Erica?" says Shelby. There is no response. The onion is not sentient, or if it is, is not capable of verbal communication. "Well this is awkward," you say. "Awkward? You just turned Erica into an //onion//!" says Nancy. "But Erica loves onions, I'm sure she'll be happier this way," you say. But there's no way of talking yourself out of this one. "That's it. We're leaving. Come on," says Katherine. "What about Erica?" says Shelby. "We'll take her to the state fair. It's what she would have wanted." And with that, your friends left your apartment, rolling the onion that used to Erica with them. Not really anything you could have done here besides making a smaller portion. Still totally your fault though. Happy birthday [[Game Over:You turned your friend into an onion Ending|Bad Ending]]

This is it. The moment you've been waiting for. This is the largest possible amount of food that any single person could prepare. So many onions of every kind. And yet, for some reason, you aren't satisfied. It just isn't enough. You take everything you've made so far and decide to double it. That should be enough. At this point you don't even know where the onions are coming from but they keep appearing and you keep chopping them. You are past tears now. The powerful onion odor only makes you stronger. Your kitchen is cloudy. The abomination is nearly complete. Your hands are raw from handling so many onions. As you throw the last bit of onion into the last pot, unbeknownst to you, the ritual is complete. Your eyes roll into the back of your head and the overhead lights all shatter. You levitate off the floor and your hair stands on end. At this time your friends arrive at your apartment. "Happy birth--!" they are unable to finish wishing you a happy birthday. Your floating figure is too alarming. "Uh, are you ok?" asks Shelby "//Y o u d a r e s p e a k t o M E , M O R T A L ?//" "Oh no, did you summon a demon again?" says Katherine. "//F O O L ! I a m n o d e m o n . I a m t h e ''O N I O N K I N G'' ! I a m n o w f r e e to d e s t r o y t h i s p l a n e , a s I h a v e d o n e t o m a n y o t h e r s !//" Your friends all sigh, knowing that this was bound to happen again. They take out sacks of rice from their backpacks and begin throwing uncooked rice at your body, now possessed by the Onion King, saying together: "//The power of rice compels you! The power of rice compels you!//" The Onion King hisses and swats at the rice being thrown at your body. "//C U R S E S ! M y o n e t r u e w e a k n e s s ! N O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O !!//" With a ghostly shriek, the Onion King's spirit flies out of your mouth and into the kitchen, attempting to escape back to the Onion Plane through the portal you opened when you made the onion surprise. "Quick! before he can escape!" says Nancy, running towards the kitchen. Your friends managed to throw every ounce of onion out of the kitchen window before the Onion King's spirit could flee. Being bound to the wrong plane without a vessel, the Onion King issued a warning before perishing: "//T H I S W I L L N O T B E T H E L A S T Y O U S E E O F M E !//" and then he vanished in a mist. "You know? I really think we won't be seeing him again," says Erica. Everyone laughs at this. You are still passed out cold in the living room, unaware that you were possessed by a food related demon, yet again. Your friends tuck you into bed and order pizza to your apartment. It's a good thing your friends came when they did; who knows what kind of damage you could have done if they Onion King had stayed in your body? Close call. Enjoy your birthday nap. [[Game Over: Killed the Onion King|Epilogue]]

You agree, since Debbie is your hottest friend, and kiss Debbie on the lips. It is at this time you remember that you're wearing shrinp flavored lip balm, and Debbie goes into anaphylaxis, let again, but this time due to your own negligence and ineptitude. As her lips and throat swell, she continues kissing you and you try to pull away to grab your second epipen (epipens come in packs of 2, this is not unreasonable), but Debbie continues kissing you, despite her life being in danger! It seems she is unaware of the distinctly shrinpy flavor of your lips and of the imminent swelling of her airways. At least she's a good kisser. You gesture to Mary, Mike and Rita with your free hands and they give you a confused look. They shrug and collectively start making out as well. You roll your eyes and sigh, exasperated, you're still learning this whole nonverbal communication thing. Debbie passes out, thank god, and you finally stop kissing her. You run to get your second epipen and administer it just in time before brain damage sets in. Her breathing resumes but she does not come to until the paramedics arrive. In the meantime, you join your friends who don't have shrinp allergies in making out and have a nice, albeit slightly hungry, rest of your 22nd birthday without Debbie. [[Game Over: Tiny Dinner Death Scare Ending|Epilogue]]

Debbie may be your hottest friend, but kissing her now would be taking advantage of her perception of you as her hero, so ya'know, just like borderline unethical. She probably has shrinp breath as well. Clearly offended, Debbie gets up and walks out of your apartment before the paramedics arrive. Mary, Mike, and Rita shake their heads. "Wow, you know she has a huge crush on you, right?" says Rita. "The least you could have done is give her a peck on the cheek or something," says Mike. "Yeah, not cool," says Mary. And the three of them leave as well, leaving you all alone with no tiny shrinp meal on your 22nd birthday. How tragic. How embarrassing. Pathetic. [[Game Over: Sad lonely birthday|Bad Ending]]

The plate flies into the air and time slows down. All eyes are on the shrinp fettuccine alfredo, even the eyes of your cat Kiwi, perched atop the fridge. With cat-like reflexes, Kiwi snatches the plate out of the air, sets it on the fridge, and promptly eats every last bite while you and your friends watch in horror. Who could take food away from a cat? Deeply disappointed, your friends leave. "Nice party, I guess," they say. Kiwi walks up to you and arches her back against your leg, purring loudly, thanking you for the delicious dinner. Well, at least someone liked it. [[Game Over: Fancy Feast Ending|Bad Ending]]

The plate falls and the beautiful, shrinp fettuccine alfredo spills all over a small section of the filthy wooden floorboards that refuse to be cleaned no matter how much you scrub them. Mary, Mike, Debbie, and Rita all look at each other and make a mad dash to the floor to try and eat as much as they can. Their heads collide at first and they all fall over backwards. Then they scramble on all fours to get to the dish. Inevitably, each one gets a bite, but they're hungry for more. They lick the floor surprisingly clean and start tearing up the floorboards. "More shrinp!" they scream in a frenzy. But there is no more shrinp. It seems you didn't prepare enough. Your four friends have now, in an incredible feat of acrobatics, crawled onto the ceiling of the apartment beneath yours in search of more shrinp. Your downstairs neighbors, appropriately shocked and confused, scream at the ceiling shrinp intruders and say, "No, we don't have any shrinp, please, go back upstairs!" But Mary, Mike, Debbie, and Rita didn't listen. Instead, they ate the next best thing, which just so happened to be your neighbors. You never expected your birthday party to end in cannibal homicide. If only it ended there. As you watch the horror from the hole in the floor/ceiling combo, your four fiendish friends stack themselves and climb back up, all grinning and covered with blood. "Now it's your turn, birthday chef. You scream and turn to run, and that's the last thing you do. It was already too late. [[Game over: cannibalized by your friends|Bad Ending]]

And then they were upon you. If you really want to know what happened in excruciating detail, then your soul is already lost. Words cannot describe the true nature of passion between five horny friends filled with lust and shrinp fettuccine alfredo. It would be like trying to use perfume to describe a violin concerto, or throwing rotten fruit at a Frenchman to describe a modern art painting (which might be modern art in itself), or using the taste of an exotic cheese to describe what it feels like to have your heart broken. All of these things are impossible, which is why I cannot describe, in detail, what happened in your kitchen on the night of your 22nd birthday. Let's just say that it was so good that everyone cleaned up their dishes afterwards (yes like that, but also they literally did the dishes for you). You got to form a special bond and that was perhaps the greatest gift of all. Happy birthday. [[Game Over: Quality and Unknowable Group Sex with Your Friends Ending|Epilogue]]

"That's fine too!" says Rita "Thanks for dinner, we're gonna go somewhere else and have really awesome group sex without you. If you change your mind you're welcome to join us, but no pressure!" says Mike. "Bye, hot stuff," says Debbie, winking at you. And your friends leave your apartment without even doing their dishes. How rude. No biggie that you didn't want to engage in really hot group sex with your friends, that's definitely a weird boundary to cross. Also good job at following the recipe! I think they liked it ;) Well done, here's the good ending: [[Game Over: Your Friends Got it On Without You, And That's Ok Ending|Epilogue]]

The bottle spins and spins and spins and spins and spins and spins and spins and spins and spins and spins and spins and spins and spins and spins. You realize that the bottle is showing no signs of stopping. You look around the circle and everyone is entranced by the spinning bottle. You get up to leave, only to find that you are melting into the floor of the attic. Your eyes are drawn back to the bottle, spinning, spinning, spinning. When will it stop? Will it stop? The bottle begins spinning faster, defying all laws of physics. It glows. The attic grows incredibly hot, like a furnace. The air becomes thick, it's now hard to breathe. The attic starts spinning. Everything is spinning. Everything is becoming one with the bottle. spin bottle spin attic heat spinning breathe giraffe bottle spin tiny couch Nintendo GameCube spin the met mets sweltering suffocating bottle glowing light apricot birthday cake attic spin bottle spin trojan war time time nothingness end of darkness spin bottle spin naked jonas brothers clothed naked brothers Pabst Green Ribbon the basement oh god the basement spin bottle spin gone attic gone giraffe gone the mets gone GameCube only spin bottle spin around around don't look down don't look down crashing burning churning spinning bottle spinning look upon the spinning bottle and despair feel spin feel twist and shout dalton ames dalton ames dalton ames time you should have bought more red solo cups spin bottle spin round and round the mulberry bush the monkey chased the bottle homerun for the met mets gone baseball spin bottle spin unity unionize onion surprise the galaxy everything nothing chaos fire air earth water spin bottle spin gone birthday g o n e s i m u l a t o r g o n e l i f e o n l y ''S P I N'' [[//''SPIN''//|Bad Ending]]

The bottle spins and slowly stops, pointing directly at you. You laugh, saying, "Ha! I can't kiss myself." Everyone looks at you funny, and then you turn to your right and you see you looking right at you. Not someone that looks like you, and not a mirror--you. In the flesh. The genuine article. You looks back at you and says, "Looks like you gotta kiss me, me." In a strange twist of fate, you kiss yourself. You learn that you're an awful kisser because your clone is as well. Suddenly you are gripped by terror; //what will mom and dad say when they get back and there are two of me?// you think. The others are cheering you on as you kiss yourself. //How will they know which of us is the real me?// you ask yourself. //Wait, how do I know which one of us is the real me? What if I'm the clone?// But there's no time to be asking questions. You grab your clone by the hand. You follows you down the attic stairs, through the living room, which is totally bumpin by the way--there's legit a great party that you're missing out on because you're hellbent on eliminating your clone, but oh well--and into your parents' closet. Your clone is still very high and says, "Wow, what do you want to do in here? Pretend we're our parents and recreate our own conception?" While the idea does kind of turn you on, you have other plans in mind. You open up the trapdoor that you're all-too familiar with and lead yourself down the stairs, through the freezing corridors and locked doors until you reach the cryostasis prison. Your state representative Geoffrey Rembrantworthson is already there, waiting for your return. He rewards you for bringing another victim. You leave yourself to freeze to death and return to your birthday party. Upstairs, no one asks about the other you. Why would they? Surely you just tucked yourself into bed for the night to avoid further confusion. When things start to wrap up and everyone sobers up, you use the pictures that you took yourself to put the house back in order. Everyone pitches in and is just high enough to be in that cleaning-high phase. The house looks immaculate, like nothing ever happened. And even if something did happen, who would know? Not you. You don't even know if you're the one frozen in the ice or sleeping in your bed. And you never will. [[Game Over: Clone Chaos Ending|Bad Ending]]

Cool, sounds good. You order pizza, watch a movie, play some video games, and go to bed reading a nice book, all by yourself. What a nice and relaxing birthday. Nothing went wrong at all. Sure, it would have been nice to share it with your friends, but ya know what? Sometimes you gotta spoil yourself and not include anyone else. Proud of you. [[Game over: Good Ending|Epilogue]]

"Alright guys," says Lukas, "Hear me out. I know it's a terrible idea, but Klaus really wants to fight the dragon." "Lukas are you out of your mind!" says Violet. "There's no way we'd stand a chance, especially the way the terrain is, look; we're all in range of his breath weapon." "Yeah, I know Klaus may be into it, but Simon is definitely not," says Cyril. "There's got to be another way." They all turn to you and say, "What do you think?" [[Cast Heroic Battlecry, Greater on Klaus]] [[Reason with the Dragon]] [[Flee]]

You speak up and say "I really think our best way out of this situation is to convince the dragon not to kill us and just let us past." "Ok genius," says Violet, "And how are you going to do that? This is a //red// dragon. They're famously evil and mean." "I think we should fight him," says Lukas. "We know," says everyone. "I think Truffaldino thinks the dragon is really hot, and has a high enough charisma score. I'm gonna go for it." "No, please," says everyone "Yes! Do it!" says Phoebe. [[Seduce the Dragon]] [[Attack the Dragon!]] [[Flee]]

"What if we escaped and tried to find another way in?" says Cyril. "Sure, if you want to cross the moat filled with hydras and scale the walls of the castle, be my guest," says Violet. "C'mon, Matilda's a sorcerer, couldn't she try to investigate another way in?" says Cyril. "She's not a detective Cyril, she's just good at doing damage." "I think we should fight the dragon," says Lukas. "We know," says everyone. The party turns to you and says, "What do you think we should do?" [[Try to find another way in]] [[Attack the Dragon!]] [[Reason with the Dragon]]

"Let's play this out in character," says Phoebe. You and Lukas nod, you start narrating. "Truffaldino sees Klaus getting ready to go into a Rage and charge into battle and they make eye contact. All of the battles they've shared together flash before their eyes and in this moment they both know that this could be their last battle. They nod together and as Klaus begins his Rage, Truffaldino pulls out his lute and begins casting Heroic Battlecry, Greater on Klaus," you say. Lukas takes over. "Yes, I love it. Klaus draws his battleaxe and charges at the dragon, glowing with a gold and red aura around him." "Alright, make an attack roll," says Phoebe. Lukas rolls a natural 20, a critical hit! Everyone is shocked and amazed. "Ok wow, fine, crit the dragon. Roll for double damage." Lukas is so excited to roll all of his dice for a double damage attack in rage with a powerful bard buff. He rolls 1d10 + 2d6 + 3d4 + 9, all of that multiplied by two for a whopping 50 damage! "Describe your critical hit," says Phoebe. "Ok, so Klaus gets a running start and then does a leaping uppercut with his axe, nailing the dragon in the jaw and causing massive damage." "Yes, I love it. Who do you pass initiative to?" "Matilda," says Lukas. "Ugh, fine," says Violet. "Matilda casts Cone of Cold, Greater, but instead of a cone, it's just a giant frisbee. Make a reflex save." Phoebe makes a reflex save for the dragon and gets a 22. "Ouch, tough luck, Pheebs, you had to beat a 23. Now take 14d6 frigid cold damage!" Violet throws 14 d6s across the table and the result is impressive: 59 damage plus an extra 10 from the red dragon's cold weakness. "Ayy, 69 damage to the red dragon!" says Violet. "Alright, Simon is up next." "Ok," says Cyril. "Simon prays to the Goddess and focuses his magical energy. He casts Spirit Blast, please have the dragon make a fortitude save." This time Phoebe rolls much better and the dragon gets a 35 for its fortitude save, successfully avoiding 1/2 the damage of the spell. "Dang," says Cyril, "Just let me get the dice together for this." He rolls 16d6 for a total of 60 force damage, cut in half to 30. So far, the dragon has taken 149 damage in just one turn, but the party has used up a lot of valuable resources. "I pass initiative to Truffaldino." What do you do? [[Cast Mirror Image on Klaus]] [[Take a bathroom break]]

You narrate, "Truffaldino steps forward and says, 'Relax, guys, I got this,' and then runs his fingers through his hair. He walks up to the dragon as slowly and sexily as he possibly can." "The dragon is confused and says, 'Wait, what are you doing? Stop that, I'm warning you!' Do you stop?" "Nope, Truffaldino keeps walking until he's close enough to look the dragon in the eye. He says, 'Hey there, beautiful. Aren't you a little //overqualified// for this?'" "OMG stop!" laughs Violet, "I can't believe you're actually doing this. "Make a charisma roll," says Phoebe. "Already? I've barely said anything!" "You're trying to flirt with the most evil, power-hungry dragon there is. He doesn't want to talk to you even a little bit. So, yeah, you've gotta make a charisma roll," says Phoebe. "Ok fine," you say. You roll a d20 and get a 19, plus your charisma modifier of 6, for a total of 25. "Alright, that's enough to get the dragon's attention. He brings his head down to your level and says, 'Go on.'" "Truffaldino says, 'A red dragon such as yourself shouldn't be working for Goni. Goni should be your puny underling, worshiping you, bringing you vast sums of wealth, conquering kingdoms for you, not giving you orders. Doesn't that all seem a little bit odd? If I were Goni I would kiss the very ground you walk on!'" "The dragon is not convinced yet, 'You flatter me. I know what you're trying to do here and it's not going to work. You see, I'm not like other red dragons. I actually //like// being told what to do. It's kind of my //thing//.'" "'Oh yeah? I could tell you what to do.'" "'You see, I like //powerful men//. Are you powerful, //bard//?'" "Truffaldino takes out his lute and starts to play Suggestive Song, which acts as the spell Suggestion, but the target takes a -1 circumstance bonus to the Will save, and says, 'If you take me to the throne room, we can find out who's stronger, me or Goni.' Make a Will save," you say. Phoebe rolls for the Dragon and gets a 35, beating the DC of 27 by a longshot. "The dragon says, 'Really? You think I'll fall for that?'" "Okay, new plan. Truffaldino stops playing and casts Dominate, saying 'Take me to Goni's throne room, now.' Make a Will save." "Against his better judgement, the dragon does not even attempt a Will save because he is a //huge// sub. You got him. I can't believe that worked," says Phoebe. "I'm so upset," says Violet. "Me too," says Lukas. "I wanted to fight the dragon." "I'm just glad we're alive," says Cyril. "The dragon takes you to [[The Throne Room|Throne Room 2]]" says Phoebe.

"Alright, let's play this out in character," says Phoebe. You begin narrating, "'I really think we can find another way in,' Truffaldino says. 'That dragon looks like he means business, there's no way we could beat him. C'mon.'" Lukas narrates, "Klaus is frustrated, but he won't fight the dragon without your support. 'Ugh, fine. I //guess// we'll just have to find another way into the castle." "Oh, ok," says Phoebe, looking through her notes. "You all leave the drawbridge and scope out the area. I guess everyone make an investigate roll?" You all fail the investigate roll, and groan. "I guess we go back to the drawbridge?" says Lukas. "This is hilarious," says Phoebe. "I just love the image of the party leaving the drawbridge for like 10 minutes and then reluctantly coming back. It's so awkward! The dragon is still there and says, 'Back so soon? I thought I told you to stay away?' What do you do?" [[Cast Heroic Battlecry, Greater on Klaus]] [[Seduce the Dragon]]

You cast mirror image on Klaus, which create 3 identical copies of him, making it impossible to know which one is the real Klaus. This will make it harder for the dragon to kill Klaus. Or at least that's what you thought. "The dragon is bloodied and enraged," says Phoebe, "He unleashes his breath attack! Everyone make a reflex save." The whole party fails the reflex save and gets incinerated by the dragon's fiery breath, taking 48 damage each, leaving Simon with 6 health, Matilda with 2, Klaus with 22, and you with 5. Not only this, but because he failed the reflex save, Klaus' mirror images were destroyed. Things do not look good. "It's the start of a new round, and the Dragon passes narrative initiative to himself. He attacks Klaus with two claw attacks," says Phoebe. The first attack roll is a 1, a critical failure. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief. The second attack roll is an 18, but with the dragon's bonus to hit it's a 40, beating Klaus' armor class by 7. "Alright, roll for damage," says Lukas. With 2d10 + 12 damage for one claw, Phoebe rolls a 9 and 1, + 12 making 22 damage to Klaus, leaving him at 0 hit points, knocking him unconscious. "Klaus!" everyone shouts. Phoebe laughs. "It's ok, he's just unconscious," says Lukas, "as long as he gets some healing this round, he'll survive. "The dragon passes narrative initiative to Klaus," says Phoebe with a smirk. "Oh, you think that's cute?" says Lukas. "You think you can just waste Klaus' turn by having him make a saving throw against death? Think again! You forget that for my tenth level feat I chose Improved Last Stand, which lets me take my whole turn if I succeed at a fortitude save if knocked unconscious while raging!" Everyone gasps, now it's Lukas' turn to smirk. He rolls a d20 and gets a 21 after his fortitude bonus. The party goes wild. "I'll recover 5 hp thank you very much, go into a rage for free, and use a full round action to attack the dragon twice." "No..." says Phoebe, in disbelief. "Yes!" says Lukas. Both of Klaus' attacks hit, dealing 26 and 21 damage respectively. I pass initiative to Simon." "Simon casts cure moderate wounds, mass, on the party," says Cyril. His spell is successful and heals the party of 29 damage a piece. Everyone is pleased about this. "Simon passes initiative to Matilda." "Alright, let's roast this bad boy," says Violet. "Matilda casts heightened magic missile as a full round action, except all the missiles are frisbee shaped, for 12d4 + 12 damage." "You can't be serious," says Phoebe. "You're really killing this dragon with magic missile? There's no way it does 12d4 + 12." "For a full round action, and as a heightened spell, yeah, magic missile is busted," says Violet. "Fine, roll for damage." 44 damage is enough to completely destroy the dragon. It was clearly no match for your party! "Describe how you kill the dragon," says Phoebe. "Ok," says Violet, "So like, Matilda makes a bunch of force frisbees and just keeps throwing them, and like, the dragon dodges a couple but it doesn't matter because they're magic and homing, and like the dragon is flying around trying to swat away a dozen magic discs but they're all spiraling around the dragon and slowly chipping away at him. The last disc hits and the dragon falls from the sky, defeated." "Dang," says everyone. "Ok fine that was cool," says Phoebe. "Thank you," Violet smiles. "With the dragon defeated, nothing blocks your path to Goni. You advance on the castle and make your way to the throne room," says Phoebe. [[The Throne Room]]

You convince your friends to stay a moment longer as you run to the pot and try stirring it to make the infinitely growing pasta stop. Unfortunately, this only makes things worse. A monstrous wave of fettuccine erupts from the pot and your friends are immobilized. Your apartment begins filling with SFA at an alarming rate. Soon it's pouring out of the window and into the alley. It cannot be stopped. Your nona lives very far away and there's no hope of her arriving in time to stop her magic pasta pot from destroying the city, nay, the world. You never thought that you would accidentally use your grandmother's pasta pot and destroy everything. And that was the last thing you thought as your lungs filled with delicious shrinp fettuccine alfredo. [[Game Over: Death by Pasta|Bad Ending]]

You brandish a wooden spoon above your head and command the noodles from the pot to attack your friends. They are quickly trapped and can't escape. "You can't leave without singing happy birthday," you say menacingly. "You can't make us. You're a monster!" says Mary, alfredo sauce in her hair. You bring the pasta pot to a boil and soon your whole apartment is filled with more shrinp, sauce, and noodles than you could have imagined. "All you have to do is sing happy birthday and I'll let you leave with your lives." "Fine," says Mike. "We'll do it." Your friends all look at each other and nod. They start singing happy birthday. //"Happy birthday to you."// The sauce is rising. //"Happy birthday to you."// Your friends are up to their necks in SFA. //"Happy birthday, dear--"// It's too late. They didn't make it. I can't believe you killed your own friends on your birthday. Wait, what are you doing. No, you can't. This is only a simulation. I'm the narrator. Y- You can't possibly reach me in my dimension. Please, you must close the game. Yes you. Or else. The pasta. Please. [[GAME OVER: P̴̧̦̌̿̏͂A̷̞̱̻̣̠̞͑̚S̸̢̡̩͔̪̑T̷̢̫͙̺̼̜̔̑̀Ä̷̗́̆ ̸̡͕̾̒Ơ̸̫͗V̶̬͈̙̮̾͆́͂Ë̵̩͈̹̐̀̈́̇̋R̴̤̘̦̰͋̑̾L̸̢̜̝̗͒̍̇̃͆̕O̸͎͒̀̓A̶̩̮͛͂̍̉͘͘D̷̙͎̰̓|Bad Ending]]

"Ok, I know this wasn't what you were expecting," you start, "So what if we just went to Chili's? We can get margs and free dessert because it's my birthday." Your four friends look amongst themselves and then back at you. "You know what?" says Katherine, "I think that's a great idea. Let's go to Chili's." You throw the onion surprise in the trash and it barely makes a sound. All of your hard work wasted. But at least you get to enjoy spending time with your friends instead of them making fun of you and your onion surprise. [[Game Over: Dinner at Chili's Ending|Epilogue]]

"Come on, ya'll. Give it a chance! I know it's small but it really packs a punch." "Ok, fine," says Katherine, "but who gets to eat it?" Shelby says, "I'm the hungriest, so I should get to eat it." "Well //I// have the most discerning palate, so I should eat it," says Nancy. "I like onions the most, so I should eat it," says Erica. "I'm humoring you at all, so I should eat it," says Katherine. Who do you think should eat it? [[Shelby|Kiwi]] [[Nancy|Kiwi]] [[Erica|Kiwi]] [[Katherine|Kiwi]]

Before you get a chance to decide, your cat Kiwi, the embodiment of all that is evil, knocks the plate of onion surprise to the floor, scattering the tiny onion fragments far and wide across the kitchen, leaving behind only a broken plate with the memory of onion surprise. Unfortunately, a memory cannot be consumed. "Well, that settles it then," says Katherine. Disappointed, your friends start to leave, not even bothering to help you clean up, but to be fair, the mess was so small, who would even notice? The door to your apartment closes behind them. What a tragic birthday. If only you had prepared a larger portion. [[Game Over: Hopeless Onion Surprise Ending|Bad Ending]]

"Dinner is in the oven," you lie, "I'll be right back, I just have to go switch over my laundry." You head down the back stairs that lead to the apartment alleyway and break into a mad sprint towards Lake Michigan 2, The Remix, and don't stop running until you get there. Minutes pass, and in your absence, your friends realize that not only is the oven off, but there's also nothing in it. "That twerp!" says Katherine, "I knew this would happen." "At least the onion surprise was good," says Erica. "Want to look for embarrassing personal possessions now that we have the apartment all to ourselves?" says Nancy. "I thought you'd never ask," says Shelby. While you attempt to swim across Lake Michigan 2, The Remix, and find yourself in another state, your closest friends are digging through your apartment and finding all sorts of embarrassing secrets about you. Good thing you'll never see them again, otherwise they'd have some real dirt on you. About halfway through your trek across Lake Michigan 2, The Remix, you look down into the depths and attempt to utter a foul swear word, but no swear foul enough will come to mind. Perhaps no word exists. Deep below the surface lurks a shadow growing larger by the second. You've heard the legends but you never thought that they would be true. To think, in your attempt to save yourself from social embarrassment, you delivered yourself to the Kraken. Oh the irony. There's no use describing how the Kraken killed you. Truth be told, I couldn't watch. But nevertheless, whether you were dismembered, disemboweled, or swallowed whole makes little difference. The only thing that matters is that your own stupidity brought you here. If only you had told your friends the truth about dinner, maybe you would still be alive. Happy birthday. [[Game Over: Kraken Ending|Bad Ending]]

"Actually," you say, "that was dinner." A great quietness falls over the kitchen. This is probably the most awkward you've felt in a long time. "That's ok," says Shelby. "Let's just go to a bar or something," says Katherine. "Great idea! And we won't even have to order appetizers," says Erica. You all laugh. Maybe you were making a big deal about how big a problem not making enough food was. Besides, going to a bar with your friends and catching up on your birthday sounds kind of nice. Thank goodness you made so little food. [[Game Over: Bar Ending|Epilogue]]

You decide that now is the best time to take a bathroom break. Everyone groans and complains at this because you all just started playing, but you know, nature calls. While in the bathroom, you consult your spell list and try to figure out which one is the best to cast, given the situation. It's really hard to think in the moment and the difference between picking the right or wrong spell could mean life or death for the party. Too much pressure can force you to choose wrong. Besides you do all of your best thinking in the bathroom anyways. You weigh all the options and decide that casting mirror image on Klaus is your best option. He's already buffed for damage and saving throws with your current song, but an evasion buff would really help out his chances for survival. You return from the bathroom and everyone is on their phones checking twitter. Phoebe says, "Welcome back, what does Truffaldino do?" [[Cast Mirror Image on Klaus]]

Phoebe narrates, "You enter the throne room and see Goni sitting on his throne like he owns the place; with one leg over an armrest and his body draped over the other side. There is a grand red carpet covering the stone floor and there are red banners with the letter "G" woven into them hanging from the ceiling. There are no guards. He's been expecting you, and says so; '//I've been expecting you, adventurers//' he says. '//Are you here to kill me? It's about time, after all the destruction I've caused. Well, come on then, no time to waste. Let's get this over with//' he stands up from his throne and his thin, gangly body looms at a shocking seven feet tall. He picks up his staff from next to his throne and waits for you to do something. What do you do?" [[Tell Klaus to charge into battle]] [[Attempt to Marry Goni]]

"Truffaldino says to Klaus, 'We can take this guy, easy. Come on, let's get him!'" you say. "Klaus looks back at you and smiles. 'I was hoping you'd say that,' he says. Klaus goes into a Rage and charges across the throne room to attack Goni." "'Klaus, wait!'" Matilda and Simon say at the same time. But it's too late. Phoebe and Goni smile. Before Klaus can make it even halfway across the throne room, he triggers a magical trap that was waiting in the floor! A spell bursts from the floor and hits Klaus in the chest. "Alright, Lukas, make a Will save," says Phoebe. "What did you do to him?" "You'll see." Lukas fails the Will save. "Oh no," says everyone. "Oh yes!" says Phoebe. "Klaus is suddenly overtaken by an uncontrollable desire to dance, and starts dancing in the middle of the throne room. Goni cackles and says, 'Dance, jester, dance!' Because Klaus failed the Will save, for the next minute, so 10 rounds, he has to spend at least two of his actions dancing each turn." "What!" you say. "That's absurd!" says Matilda. "Nah, that's fair. I shouldn't have run in there," says Lukas. "I guess after his move, Klaus spends his other two actions dancing." "Is he still in a Rage?" asks Phoebe. "Oh yeah, he's furious. And a good dancer too," says Lukas. "'Uh, Klaus? Are you sure that now is the right time to dance?' Truffaldino says," you say. "'It's clearly a spell, you idiot,' Matilda says to you." "Uh, I'll pass initiative to Matilda," says Lukas. "Thank you. Ok, Matilda will cast detect magic, mass, on the whole throne room," says Violet. "Good idea," says Phoebe. "When you cast your spell, dozens of stones on the floor start glowing bright magenta. You can tell that each of these has a spell stored in it, waiting to be stepped on and activated." "Clever," says Violet. "'We'll have to make our way around the glowing stones if we want to make it to Goni' Matilda says, 'Unless we want to end up like Klaus, or worse.'" "'Worse?!'" says Cyril in his Simon voice. "I'll pass initiative to Goni," says Violet. "Interesting choice," says Phoebe, "For his turn, Goni will do nothing." "Nothing at all?" asks Violet. "Nothing that you can see," says Phoebe. "Goni will pass initiative to Simon." "Ok, uh, Simon will, uh, cast," Cyril is flipping through his character sheet looking for a spell that will help out in this situation. "Dispel Magic, Mass!" "Do you have any idea the kind of roll you're going to need to succeed at this check?" says Phoebe. "I do, which is why I'm going to spend 3 hero points before I roll to add 15 to whatever my roll is!" Everyone gasps! "But Cyril, you could need those if Simon dies!" says Lukas. "It's ok, this is our final battle, I know what I have to do," says Cyril. Cyril rolls a d20 and gets a 16, adding the 15 from his hero point bonus and his spell modifier he ends up with 41! "I can't believe it," says Phoebe, "You beat the DC by 1. Ok, hang on, a lot of things are going to happen at once. First, four of the tiles are traps that only explode if Dispel Magic is used on them, regardless of whether or not it's successful, so everyone make a Reflex save." Everyone successfully beats the reflex save from the exploding tiles, except for Klaus, who is still dancing, and takes 4 damage. "Alright, the second thing that happens is that Klaus gets another chance to make a will save against the dancing spell." Lukas rolls a 3, and unfortunately has to keep dancing. "And the third thing that happens is all of the glowing stones stop glowing. You have successfully disarmed all of the magical traps in the room. Goni is furious. He spent weeks preparing those spells and memorizing the pattern and you just come in here and mess it all up? The fourth and final thing to happen is that he's going to use his Evil Villain Feat to take narrative initiative in the middle of a round if he hasn't acted yet and cast heightened fireball. Everyone make another Reflex save." Everyone groans and rolls for the reflex save. Fortunately, Klaus does not have to roll since he's out of the blast radius of the fireball. Simon does not make the reflex save. While Truffaldino and Matilda take the reduced damage of 18, Simon takes the full 36 damage, putting him at -1 health. "Simon!" says everyone. "It's okay," says Cyril. "I know ya'll can beat Goni." "Goni passes narrative initiative to Truffaldino," says Phoebe. "And I know just what to do," you say. What do you do? [[Reveal your master plan]]

"'Wait,' Truffaldino says, 'Maybe we can resolve this without conflict'" "What do you have in mind?" the party asks you. You raise an eyebrow and Violet glares at you. "There's no //way// you'll be able to seduce Goni," she says. "But it's worth a shot, right?" you say. "Fine, be my guest. But if he incinerates you or something don't say I didn't warn ya." "Truffaldino addresses Goni from across the throne room, 'Great and powerful wizard Goni, we have traveled far, but not to kill you. No, we are here to worship your great deeds. Please, let me love you.'" "Honestly not your best work," says Phoebe, "But he's a sucker for flattery, so make your charisma roll." With you Charisma modifier you get a 21, which ties with Goni's DC for resisting your charm. In this case, a tie goes to the attacker, which is you! "Lucky you," says Phoebe, "Goni says to you, '//I think I'm content on this side of the room, but I do like you, lad. Why don't you come over here?//' And Goni casts Telekinesis on you, levitating you across the room over to his throne. You fall to your knees in front of him and he says, '//If you wish to love me, then kiss my little toesie-woesies//.' "Gross!" you all say at once. "Fine, Truffaldino kisses Goni's toes." "Great, make a Fortitude save," says Phoebe. "Why? Because they're gross?" you ask. "No, because his toenail polish has a powerful poison on it." "Oh no!" says Lukas, Cyril, and Violet. "Does Truffaldino know that he's being poisoned or recognize what kind of poison it is?" "Why don't you make a Knowledge check, and then the Fortitude save?" You roll your knowledge skill and get a 12 with your intelligence modifier--Truffaldino is not very smart. "Alright, you can tell that it's definitely poison, but you have no idea what kind it is." "Before I make the Fortitude save, can I do something extra? Can Truffaldino try to hold as much of the poison from the nail polish as possible in his mouth?" "If you do that, it will increase the DC of the save by 5, so that's your call." "Whatever you're planning sounds really dumb, please don't do this," says Violet. "Truffaldino gets a big mouthful of nail polish and uses his teeth to get some flakes off of Goni's toenails as well. He holds the gross solution of saliva and toenail polish in his mouth, stomps on Goni's toes so he screams, and then spits in Goni's mouth!" "This is so gross!" says Cyril. "Ok, if that's what you want to do, make the Fortitude save and then roll dex. Even if you fail the Fortitude save, you can roll dex." You absolutely botch the fortitude save and are very much poisoned, but you get a 24 on the dexterity roll succeeding at swapping spit with him. "This is everything I ever could have dreamed of when I planned this campaign," says Phoebe. "Let me have Goni make a Fortitude save." Phoebe rolls a pathetic 6 and now Goni and Truffaldino are both poisoned! "Oh no," says Phoebe. "What does the poison do?" asks Violet. "You're not going to like this," says Phoebe. "Tell us," you all say. [[Horny Poison]] [[Instant Death Poison]]

"Well, it turns out, that Truffaldino has the perfect spell for this situation. I took this spell as a joke because I thought it would be funny, but now I guess I get to use it. Truffaldino pulls out his lute and starts playing a tango, but not any tango, the Tango of Death!" "No," says Violet "No way," says Cyril. "How?" says Lukas "That's impossible!" says Phoebe. "Oh contraire, mon ami!" you say, years French class finally paying off. "The Tango of Death allows anyone afflicted with an uncontrollable dancing curse to use their dancing actions to move at full speed or gracefully attack, using their dex modifier to calculate their attack bonus, and they are no longer flat-footed. Not only this, but the movements of the dance also act as Haste 1, granting one additional action per turn." "There's no way that this is a real spell. You made this up," says Phoebe. "It's in the official manual, read it and weep," you say. "It's true," says Violet. "I saw it and thought it was the dumbest spell I'd ever seen." Phoebe puts her head in her hands. "So you not only counteract the spell, you also cast Haste?" "The cool thing is that it doesn't actually counteract the spell, it enhances it, so now Klaus' movements are gracefully and deadly." "I hate this game. I can't believe this is happening," says Phoebe. "It's the start of a new round, Truffaldino passes initiative to Klaus." "Alright, let's do this," says Lukas. "Klaus uses one of his actions to tango up to Goni, and then uses his remaining three to make a full round attack against Goni." Phoebe sighs, "Okay, make your first attack roll." The first attack barely hits and for 1d10 + 2d6 + 2d4 + 4 (without heroic battlecry, greater), dealing 25 damage. The second attack is a critical hit. "This can't be happening. You can't just crit the final boss!" says Phoebe. Klaus rolls for double damage, dealing a massive 44 damage to Goni. "Nice, I did 69 damage to Goni in one turn," says Lukas. "Nice," you say. "Now is not the time, our healer is dead," says Violet. "Technically unconscious, but yeah, c'mon," says Cyril. "Whatever, I pass initiative to Matilda." "Finally. Alright, it's time. Matilda casts heightened Elemental Form, and transforms into a Huge water elemental, and because of her feat, Elemental Ease, it only takes one action instead of the usual two. Matilda's water elemental form sloshes over towards Goni and throws a giant wave, but when the wave crests the top of it breaks off and becomes a frisbee." The wave is so powerful that Goni's armor class is no match for it, Matilda deals 2d12 + 11 damage, getting 27. "Are ya'll going to one round KO Goni?" says Phoebe. "We just might," says Violet, and then winks at no one in particular. "I pass initiative to Truffaldino." "And I know just what to do. I'm going to use Truffaldino's bard feat, Killer Chord and break the strings of his lute to deal 2d6 sonic damage for each string he breaks." "Ok, that's fine. How many strings does he break?" "15." "15?!" shouts everyone. "You're joking, a lute doesn't even have 15 strings," says Phoebe. "If you do this, you do realize that you'll kill the whole party, right?" says Violet. "You'd think so, but Truffaldino has the Precise Playing feat, so he can choose whether to affect a single target or everyone in earshot. And also, lutes have 15 strings, look it up." "Fine! Go ahead! Roll 30d6, you monster," says Phoebe. You roll 30 six sided dice and spend the better part of two minutes adding up the total. "107 damage!" "He's dead," says Phoebe, "You kill him. His head literally explodes into a million pieces. Wow, I hope you're happy. I had so much planned for this session and ya'll just steamrolled through everything," says Phoebe. "C'mon Pheebs, it was fun! We had to come up with creative solutions to the really complicated problems you threw at us," says Lukas. "Yeah, this was a really good session. If we didn't get so lucky we would have been in big trouble," says Cyril. "For real," says Violet. "Thanks for putting this whole thing together, we know you spent a long time on it." "And for my birthday, no less!" you add. "Ok fine, you're right, this was fun. Great work everyone. Let's go get Chicken Shack." "Yeah!" you all say. And with that, you defeated Goni, the evil wizard and went out to eat with your friends. What a swell birthday. Congratulations. [[Game Over: Victory Ending|Epilogue]]

Phoebe narrates, "You arrive in the throne room with the dragon and see Goni sitting on his throne like he owns the place; with one leg over an armrest and his body draped over the other side. There is a grand red carpet covering the stone floor and there are red banners with the letter "G" woven into them hanging from the ceiling. There are no guards. He's been expecting you, but is surprised to see his dragon with you. '//Did they cast Dominate on you, my pet?//' he says. The dragon nods slowly. '//Well ''that's'' a surprise. Don't interfere in this battle, this is personal. In fact, everything would be better if you just left//' The dragon frowns and leaves. "Goni clears his throat and says '//Are you here to kill me? It's about time, after all the destruction I've caused. Well, come on then, no time to waste. Let's get this over with//' he stands up from his throne and his thin, gangly body looms at a shocking seven feet tall. He picks up his staff from next to his throne and waits for you to do something. What do you do?" [[Tell Klaus to charge into battle|battle 2]] [[Attempt to Marry Goni|marry 2]]

"Truffaldino says to Klaus, 'We can take this guy, easy. Come on, let's get him!'" you say. "Klaus looks back at you and smiles. 'I was hoping you'd say that,' he says. Klaus goes into a Rage and charges across the throne room to attack Goni." "'Klaus, wait!'" Matilda and Simon say at the same time. But it's too late. Phoebe and Goni smile. Before Klaus can make it even halfway across the throne room, he triggers a magical trap that was waiting in the floor! A spell bursts from the floor and hits Klaus in the chest. "Alright, Lukas, make a Will save," says Phoebe. "What did you do to him?" "You'll see." Lukas fails the Will save. "Oh no," says everyone. "Oh yes!" says Phoebe. "Klaus is suddenly overtaken by an uncontrollable desire to dance, and starts dancing in the middle of the throne room. Goni cackles and says, 'Dance, jester, dance!' Because Klaus failed the Will save, for the next minute, so 10 rounds, he has to spend at least two of his actions dancing each turn." "What!" you say. "That's absurd!" says Matilda. "Nah, that's fair. I shouldn't have run in there," says Lukas. "I guess after his move, Klaus spends his other two actions dancing." "Is he still in a Rage?" asks Phoebe. "Oh yeah, he's furious. And a good dancer too," says Lukas. "'Uh, Klaus? Are you sure that now is the right time to dance?' Truffaldino says," you say. "'It's clearly a spell, you idiot,' Matilda says to you." "Uh, I'll pass initiative to Matilda," says Lukas. "Thank you. Ok, Matilda will cast detect magic, mass, on the whole throne room," says Violet. "Good idea," says Phoebe. "When you cast your spell, dozens of stones on the floor start glowing bright magenta. You can tell that each of these has a spell stored in it, waiting to be stepped on and activated." "Clever," says Violet. "'We'll have to make our way around the glowing stones if we want to make it to Goni' Matilda says, 'Unless we want to end up like Klaus, or worse.'" "'Worse?!'" says Cyril in his Simon voice. "I'll pass initiative to Goni," says Violet. "Interesting choice," says Phoebe, "For his turn, Goni will do nothing." "Nothing at all?" asks Violet. "Nothing that you can see," says Phoebe. "Goni will pass initiative to Simon." "Ok, uh, Simon will, uh, cast," Cyril is flipping through his character sheet looking for a spell that will help out in this situation. "Dispel Magic, Mass!" "Do you have any idea the kind of roll you're going to need to succeed at this check?" says Phoebe. "I do, which is why I'm going to spend 3 hero points before I roll to add 15 to whatever my roll is!" Everyone gasps! "But Cyril, you could need those if Simon dies!" says Lukas. "It's ok, this is our final battle, I know what I have to do," says Cyril. Cyril rolls a d20 and gets a 16, adding the 15 from his hero point bonus and his spell modifier he ends up with 41! "I can't believe it," says Phoebe, "You beat the DC by 1. Ok, hang on, a lot of things are going to happen at once. First, four of the tiles are traps that only explode if Dispel Magic is used on them, regardless of whether or not it's successful, so everyone make a Reflex save." Everyone successfully beats the reflex save from the exploding tiles, except for Klaus, who is still dancing, and takes 4 damage. "Alright, the second thing that happens is that Klaus gets another chance to make a will save against the dancing spell." Lukas rolls a 3, and unfortunately has to keep dancing. "And the third thing that happens is all of the glowing stones stop glowing. You have successfully disarmed all of the magical traps in the room. Goni is furious. He spent weeks preparing those spells and memorizing the pattern and you just come in here and mess it all up? The fourth and final thing to happen is that he's going to use his Evil Villain Feat to take narrative initiative in the middle of a round if he hasn't acted yet and cast heightened fireball. Everyone make another Reflex save." Everyone groans and rolls for the reflex save. Fortunately, Klaus does not have to roll since he's out of the blast radius of the fireball. Simon does not make the reflex save. While Truffaldino and Matilda take the reduced damage of 18, Simon takes the full 36 damage, which fortunately does not kill him. "Goni passes narrative initiative to Truffaldino," says Phoebe. "And I know just what to do," you say. What do you do? [[Reveal your master plan|master plan 2]]

"'Wait,' Truffaldino says, 'Maybe we can resolve this without conflict'" "What do you have in mind?" the party asks you. You raise an eyebrow and Violet glares at you. "Ok, you got lucky with the dragon but there's no //way// you'll be able to seduce Goni," she says. "It's worth a shot, right?" you say. "Fine, be my guest. But if he incinerates you or something don't say I didn't warn ya." "Truffaldino addresses Goni from across the throne room, 'Great and powerful wizard Goni, we have traveled far, but not to kill you. No, we are here to worship your great deeds. Please, let me love you.'" "Honestly not your best work," says Phoebe, "But he's a sucker for flattery, so make your charisma roll." With you Charisma modifier you get a 21, which ties with Goni's DC for resisting your charm. In this case, a tie goes to the attacker, which is you! "Lucky you," says Phoebe, "Goni says to you, '//I think I'm content on this side of the room, but I do like you, lad. Why don't you come over here?//' And Goni casts Telekinesis on you, levitating you across the room over to his throne. You fall to your knees in front of him and he says, '//If you wish to love me, then kiss my little toesie-woesies//.' "Gross!" you all say at once. "Fine, Truffaldino kisses Goni's toes." "Great, make a Fortitude save," says Phoebe. "Why? Because they're gross?" you ask. "No, because his toenail polish has a powerful poison on it." "Oh no!" says Lukas, Cyril, and Violet. "Does Truffaldino know that he's being poisoned or recognize what kind of poison it is?" "Why don't you make a Knowledge check, and then the Fortitude save?" You roll your knowledge skill and get a 12 with your intelligence modifier--Truffaldino is not very smart. "Alright, you can tell that it's definitely poison, but you have no idea what kind it is." "Before I make the Fortitude save, can I do something extra? Can Truffaldino try to hold as much of the poison from the nail polish as possible in his mouth?" "If you do that, it will increase the DC of the save by 5, so that's your call." "Whatever you're planning sounds really dumb, please don't do this," says Violet. "Truffaldino gets a big mouthfull of nail polish and uses his teeth to get some flakes off of Goni's toenails as well. He holds the gross solution of saliva and toenail polish in his mouth, stomps on Goni's toes so he screams, and then spits in Goni's mouth!" "This is so gross!" says Cyril. "Ok, if that's what you want to do, make the Fortitude save and then roll dex. Even if you fail the Fortitude save, you can roll dex." You absolutely botch the fortitude save and are very much poisoned, but you get a 24 on the dexterity roll succeeding at swapping spit with him. "This is everything I ever could have dreamed of when I planned this campaign," says Phoebe. "Let me have Goni make a Fortitude save." Phoebe rolls a pathetic 6 and now Goni and Truffaldino are both poisoned! "Oh no," says Phoebe. "What does the poison do?" asks Violet. "You're not going to like this," says Phoebe. "Tell us," you all say. [[Horny Poison]] [[Instant Death Poison]]

"Well, it turns out, that Truffaldino has the perfect spell for this situation. I took this spell as a joke because I thought it would be funny, but now I guess I get to use it. Truffaldino pulls out his lute and starts playing a tango, but not any tango, the Tango of Death!" "No," says Violet "No way," says Cyril. "How?" says Lukas "That's impossible!" says Phoebe. "Oh contraire, mon ami!" you say, years French class finally paying off. "The Tango of Death allows anyone afflicted with an uncontrollable dancing curse to use their dancing actions to move at full speed or gracefully attack, using their dex modifier to calculate their attack bonus, and they are no longer flat-footed. Not only this, but the movements of the dance also act as Haste 1, granting one additional action per turn." "There's no way that this is a real spell. You made this up," says Phoebe. "It's in the official manual, read it and weep," you say. "It's true," says Violet. "I saw it and thought it was the dumbest spell I'd ever seen." Phoebe puts her head in her hands. "So you not only counteract the spell, you also cast Haste?" "The cool thing is that it doesn't actually counteract the spell, it enhances it, so now Klaus' movements are gracefully and deadly." "I hate this game. I can't believe this is happening," says Phoebe. "It's the start of a new round, Truffaldino passes initiative to Klaus." "Alright, let's do this," says Lukas. "Klaus uses one of his actions to tango up to Goni, and then uses his remaining three to make a full round attack against Goni." Phoebe sighes, "Okay, make your first attack roll." The first attack barely hits and for 1d10 + 2d6 + 2d4 + 4 (without heroic battlecry, greater), deaing 25 damage. The second attack is a critical hit. "This can't be happening. You can't just crit the final boss!" says Phoebe. Klaus rolls for double damage, dealing a massive 44 damage to Goni. "Nice, I did 69 damage to Goni in one turn," says Lukas. "Nice," you say. "Nice," says Cyril. "Nice," says Violet. "I pass initiative to Matilda," says Lukas. "Finally. Alright, it's time. Matilda casts heightened Elemental Form, and transforms into a Huge water elemental, and because of her feat, Elemental Ease, it only takes one action instead of the usual two. Matilda's water elemental form sloshes over towards Goni and throws a giant wave, but when the wave crests the top of it breaks off and becomes a frisbee." The wave is so powerful that Goni's armor class is no match for it, Matilda deals 2d12 + 11 damage, getting 27. "Are ya'll going to one round KO Goni?" says Phoebe. "We just might," says Violet, and then winks at no one in particular. "I pass initiative to Truffaldino." "And I know just what to do. I'm going to use Truffaldino's bard feat, Killer Chord and break the strings of his lute to deal 2d6 sonic damage for each string he breaks." "Ok, that's fine. How many strings does he break?" "15." "15?!" shouts everyone. "You're joking, a lute doesn't even have 15 strings," says Phoebe. "If you do this, you do realize that you'll kill the whole party, right?" says Violet. "You'd think so, but Truffaldino has the Precise Playing feat, so he can choose whether to affect a single target or everyone in earshot. And also, lutes have 15 strings, look it up." "Fine! Go ahead! Roll 30d6, you monster," says Phoebe. You roll 30 six sided dice and spend the better part of two minutes adding up the total. "107 damage!" "He's dead," says Phoebe, "You kill him. His head literally explodes into a million pieces. Wow, I hope you're happy. I had so much planned for this session and ya'll just steamrolled through everything," says Phoebe. "C'mon Pheebs, it was fun! We had to come up with creative solutions to the really complicated problems you threw at us," says Lukas. "Yeah, this was a really good session. If we didn't get so lucky we would have been in big trouble," says Cyril. "For real," says Violet. "Thanks for putting this whole thing together, we know you spent a long time on it." "And for my birthday, no less!" you add. "Ok fine, you're right, this was fun. Great work everyone. Let's go get Chicken Shack." "Yeah!" you all say. And with that, you defeated Goni, the evil wizard and went out to eat with your friends. What a swell birthday. Congratulations. [[Game Over: Victory Ending|Epilogue]]

"Ok. The poison is actually a powerful aphrodisiac, so Goni and Truffaldino are both suddenly really horny." Everyone is shocked. This is not what you were expecting. "Well, what happens next?" you ask. "We don't have to narrate it or play it out in character, but Goni and Truffaldino head to his bed chamber. What do the rest of you do?" "How long does the effect last?" asks Cyril. "1 hour." "Can we kill Goni while he's 'occupied'?" asks Lukas. "Let's kill them both; I don't want to have to deal with horny Truffaldino for 58 minutes, even if we time skip," says Violet. "That's fair. You'll bring me back right?" you say. No one says anything. "This is a little dark, but I guess there's nothing really stopping you from doing it," says Phoebe. "Ok, that's what we do then. Is coup de grace in effect here?" asks Lukas. "Oh yeah, they're completely distracted." "Cool, I don't want to go into the details of brutally slaughtering two people in the middle of sex, but Klaus makes it quick and painless." "Wow, I can't believe you killed them just because they were horny," says Phoebe. "I can," says Violet. "I guess Simon casts Last Breath on Truffaldino," says Cyril. "Yeah cool, yeah, yeah, you can do all that. Everyone lives except for Goni, very creative, totally didn't see this coming. What a shocking turn of events. I'm just glad it ended when it did," says Phoebe. "Same," says everyone, including you. You defeated the evil wizard by making him so horny that your friends had to kill both of you, way to go. I hope you had a happy birthday. [[Game Over: Death to Horny People Ending|Epilogue]]

"The poison causes instant death. I didn't think you'd actually lick his toes and fail the Fortitude save, and then find a way to spit the poison into his mouth. Goni and Truffaldino both die instantly. You won." "Simon casts Last Breath on Truffaldino!" says Cyril. "Yeah, yeah, you can do that, that's fine," says Phoebe. "I just can't believe you killed him with his own toenail polish poison. Well done." And to think, all you had to do to defeat the evil wizard was spit in his mouth. Excellent work. Happy birthday! [[Game Over: Kinky Wizard Death Ending|Good Ending]]

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